Monday, September 14, 2009

How to End Your Sex Life

1. When you have used all your imagination fibers and your idea of a hunk is Clint Eastwood, you might already be at the end of your sex life.
2. When your husband gets turned on watching your butt as you vacuum, you might want to give the vacuum to Good Will.
3 When your husband forgets your anniversary date, but has a planner where he has marked the last time you two had sex, you may see yourself as a good lay and not a real person.
4. If your husband gives you a book on erotic sex positions to enhance his sex life, try not to laugh out loud at the pictures. Remember though, that laughter produces endorphins that will help you sleep.
5. If you really want to rid your husband of his sex drive, start demanding sex twice a day. By the third day, he will be in the Coronary Care Unit with rubber legs.
6. If your sex encounters have gone from one hour of insane body groping in the back seat of a car to five minutes of KY jelly in a comfortable bed, your sex life might already to over.
7. If your husband's MD gives him a sexual enhancement type of pill, you might want to get see this MD for a pill that will cause you to have to change your underwear twice a day.
8. If your husband has a date scheduled for sex, you might want to put the pressure on him by telling him that you only have five minutes which is 4 more than he needs.
9. If you run out of excuses to avoid sex, try this- "I just came from the GYN doctor and he says I have a contagious disease capable of peeling the skin off a male special organ like a banana, he may think twice.
10. If your own Mom tells you that the way to a man's heart is through food and sex, you might want to do some research to find a way to prove her wrong.
11. If your husband invites you to watch a movie where a couple has sex for an hour, try to act interested even though you can see the same thing in your back yard with horny rabbits.
12. If you are struggling to get "in the mood" try drinking some Nyquil, it is the same as a shot of whiskey and will give you the same results.
13. Remember this, a man without sex is more easily agitated than a woman without a charge card. No woman is complete without her card..

2 comments:

  1. This is so funny.I can remember when I would have never thought my life would be sex-less.
    Being divorced and not being in the dating world is so great for me.Not putting your self into relationships that are not going any where in the sack or out can be really ruff.Saying to a partner(I want you to hold me) and he say he's to tired to do anything is out of this world.What in the world is he talking about.When the real deal is supposed to be in motion he must be tired because he's not doing anything.Not having to hear the old excuses over a period of time is good news.So if you did or did not have a vibrant sex life still going strong or not going at all,smile you can find some good thoughts under there hiding.

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  2. Wow!!! I’ve read all of your stories. They truly hit home. I’m going through a lot of this. I’ve cried reading just about all your stories. My god. I wish you didn’t live in Maryland I could help you write a book. My wife recently left me. Yes I have some faults but I would never ever put her in jail. I don’t care what she did. I couldn’t live with myself. I’ll have my wife’s back even when she’s wrong. I still love her and alway will. I can’t help it that’s the woman I chose to marry till death do us part. I can just hope and pray she comes and visits me one day and this can all be over and I can go home. I’ve learned my lesson for sure. I just want my cute, sexy, irresistible wife back. I would hold her every night and never let her go. Who am I kidding. She’s not coming back for me. Sorry to bore you just feel I have to talk to someone. Anyway thanks for the stories. You seem like a very caring person.

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