The Nurses Code of Conduct

1. Please be advised of the new dress code, which will include the addition of a tight, brightly, colored thong that can be seen through your thin, mandatory, white uniform pants.
2. Please call all your family members and extended family members before you come to work, so you don't have to use up your cell phone minutes when you are supposed to be working. This includes leaving a detailed list for your household on what to fix to dinner.
3. Do not waste your time writing your name on the board in your patient's room, they can't see it anyway. Just give them your cell phone number so they can call you day or night, which is a guarantee for improved patient satisfaction.
4. Try to eat as much as possible before you come to work as this will cut down on the breaks you think you deserve, but will not get. Pack a lunch that will slide down easily with minimal chewing, such as an Ensure, since a chewy meal is too time consuming.
5. If you do not have stress incontinence, you can have one 8 ounce glass of a clear liquid, which is more than enough to get you through your 12 hour shift. This will cut down on toilet flushing and help with the productivity ratings.
6. Consider wearing a nice, heavy sweater while working, since the heat will be cut back to reduce the electric bill and will reduce the breeding of nosocomial infections. Wearing a jacket is also a consideration. We suggest that you wear one with a fur collar and sequins, since patients tend to like this style best
7. If your patient's call light goes on and you ignore it long enough, the patient may forget what they wanted, thus you will avoid a needless trip down the long corridor to their room. If you are really lucky, another nurse may answer your call light, thus allowing you more sitting time at your computer.
8. When you do the long never-ending admission assessment, don't forget to remind the patient that these are yes and no questions and that the longer they talk about their miserable health, the longer it will be before they get their over-rated pain meds.
9. Please put all your patients on Fall Risk, as this will cut down on your shock when you walk into the room of your little squirrel to find him on the floor with his head split open.
10. You are encouraged to bring in your own supply of towels and soap, which will eliminate your excuses for not washing your hands properly. We recommend you wear a small apron to carry these supplies in.
11. It is not your job to worry about the trash on your unit. When trash falls to the floor, just step over it or kick it under the bed. Someone else will clean it up, just like at home.
12. Do not be concerned that O2 units in some of the rooms make a hissing sound. When was the last time you heard about an air leak causing an explosion? Just don't smoke in that room and you should be fine.