1. Do remind your new orientee that Grey's Anatomy is not even close to reality and they can not expect some special attention in a linen room.
2. Do use spoonfuls of Preparation H on your stress lines so that she doesn't notice your years of wrinkles and near panic attacks.
3. Do not react when she tells you that she is over-whelmed, after all, it's too early in her nursing career to be burnt out. She has to earn it, just like you did.
4. Do not introduce her as a "new" nurse, since patients are taking notes and waiting for a good malpractice suite so they can live in a mansion on supposedly negligence.
5. Do encourage her to get malpractice insurance. Tell her that she really doesn't need it, since the hospital will back her up 99% in most cases, but that she should have a little cushion for possible loop-holes in that unfortunate 1%.
6. Don't rush her when she feels that she needs to spend time with a particular patient, just let her go and do it now, because the time will come when she will have to decide that emotional support is just one more thing to do and she won't have the time.
7. Do not show any outward signs of negativity toward the nurse-patient ratio. Just keep taking the new patients and pretend that you can handle it, this is where your acting skills will come in handy. We do recommend that you take a class in acting before you precept.
8. Don't scold her for attempting to look up 30 different pills that one patient takes. You and I both know that there is no way in Sam Hill that all those pills did what they were supposed to do, let alone, went to the right place, thus making medication information wasted knowledge.
9. Do not tell her that time is her enemy or that someone is on Mission Impossible to make her job take 10X longer than it used to. She will discover this on her own eventually.
10. Do tell her to check her patient's lab work early, the ones the doctor ordered. Don't make her think that he should look this up himself, which may give him special linen closet time.
11. Do tell her to save her cell phone minutes for work and to hide her slim jim in her pocket. Tell her that no one will notice her bright pink phone up to her ear, which must be acceptable conduct.
12. Don't be too hard on her when she wears bright multi colored clogs that blend in with her denim uniform pants. After all, she did order them from a nursing catalog. Nurses somewhere must wear them.
13. Do not notice when she sings the whole chorus of God Bless America when she washes her hands instead of Happy Birthday. She learned this in Nursing 101. Just give her a large bottle of lotion and hope her skin doesn't get eaten off by the hospital soap.
14. Do not play down the over-rated demand for pain medication, since the more drugged her patient is, the less likely they are to use their call light.
15. Don't let her get frustrated with the MARS (meds). Eventually, the CIA will not be able to crack the code to get a Tylenol. Tell her that if she can not get a med from the pixis, this is a guarantee that she will not make a med error.
16. Do whisper in her ear that if she quits, you will kill her. That should give her enough of a reason to stay.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
The Nurses Code of Conduct
1. Please be advised of the new dress code, which will include the addition of a tight, brightly, colored thong that can be seen through your thin, mandatory, white uniform pants.
2. Please call all your family members and extended family members before you come to work, so you don't have to use up your cell phone minutes when you are supposed to be working. This includes leaving a detailed list for your household on what to fix to dinner.
3. Do not waste your time writing your name on the board in your patient's room, they can't see it anyway. Just give them your cell phone number so they can call you day or night, which is a guarantee for improved patient satisfaction.
4. Try to eat as much as possible before you come to work as this will cut down on the breaks you think you deserve, but will not get. Pack a lunch that will slide down easily with minimal chewing, such as an Ensure, since a chewy meal is too time consuming.
5. If you do not have stress incontinence, you can have one 8 ounce glass of a clear liquid, which is more than enough to get you through your 12 hour shift. This will cut down on toilet flushing and help with the productivity ratings.
6. Consider wearing a nice, heavy sweater while working, since the heat will be cut back to reduce the electric bill and will reduce the breeding of nosocomial infections. Wearing a jacket is also a consideration. We suggest that you wear one with a fur collar and sequins, since patients tend to like this style best
7. If your patient's call light goes on and you ignore it long enough, the patient may forget what they wanted, thus you will avoid a needless trip down the long corridor to their room. If you are really lucky, another nurse may answer your call light, thus allowing you more sitting time at your computer.
8. When you do the long never-ending admission assessment, don't forget to remind the patient that these are yes and no questions and that the longer they talk about their miserable health, the longer it will be before they get their over-rated pain meds.
9. Please put all your patients on Fall Risk, as this will cut down on your shock when you walk into the room of your little squirrel to find him on the floor with his head split open.
10. You are encouraged to bring in your own supply of towels and soap, which will eliminate your excuses for not washing your hands properly. We recommend you wear a small apron to carry these supplies in.
11. It is not your job to worry about the trash on your unit. When trash falls to the floor, just step over it or kick it under the bed. Someone else will clean it up, just like at home.
12. Do not be concerned that O2 units in some of the rooms make a hissing sound. When was the last time you heard about an air leak causing an explosion? Just don't smoke in that room and you should be fine.
2. Please call all your family members and extended family members before you come to work, so you don't have to use up your cell phone minutes when you are supposed to be working. This includes leaving a detailed list for your household on what to fix to dinner.
3. Do not waste your time writing your name on the board in your patient's room, they can't see it anyway. Just give them your cell phone number so they can call you day or night, which is a guarantee for improved patient satisfaction.
4. Try to eat as much as possible before you come to work as this will cut down on the breaks you think you deserve, but will not get. Pack a lunch that will slide down easily with minimal chewing, such as an Ensure, since a chewy meal is too time consuming.
5. If you do not have stress incontinence, you can have one 8 ounce glass of a clear liquid, which is more than enough to get you through your 12 hour shift. This will cut down on toilet flushing and help with the productivity ratings.
6. Consider wearing a nice, heavy sweater while working, since the heat will be cut back to reduce the electric bill and will reduce the breeding of nosocomial infections. Wearing a jacket is also a consideration. We suggest that you wear one with a fur collar and sequins, since patients tend to like this style best
7. If your patient's call light goes on and you ignore it long enough, the patient may forget what they wanted, thus you will avoid a needless trip down the long corridor to their room. If you are really lucky, another nurse may answer your call light, thus allowing you more sitting time at your computer.
8. When you do the long never-ending admission assessment, don't forget to remind the patient that these are yes and no questions and that the longer they talk about their miserable health, the longer it will be before they get their over-rated pain meds.
9. Please put all your patients on Fall Risk, as this will cut down on your shock when you walk into the room of your little squirrel to find him on the floor with his head split open.
10. You are encouraged to bring in your own supply of towels and soap, which will eliminate your excuses for not washing your hands properly. We recommend you wear a small apron to carry these supplies in.
11. It is not your job to worry about the trash on your unit. When trash falls to the floor, just step over it or kick it under the bed. Someone else will clean it up, just like at home.
12. Do not be concerned that O2 units in some of the rooms make a hissing sound. When was the last time you heard about an air leak causing an explosion? Just don't smoke in that room and you should be fine.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
How to Get the Attention of Your Spouse
1. If you want to have a conversation with your spouse, just go into the bathroom and close the door. This will automatically guarantee a conversation.
2. If you want his attention urgently, just tell him that you are thinking of quitting your job, that is, the out-of-the-house job, but you will keep the in-house 24-7 job that never ends.
3. If you have had a bad day at work and you need a listening ear, just call your Mom, at least you know that she cares.
4. If your body is not as beautiful as it once was, I don't recommend that you walk around naked seeking attention, instead, you might want to take trumpet lessons.
5. Open your lap top immediately if you really want conversation. You might want to look guilty if he walks over to glance at your screen. What in the name of Heaven does he think you are doing, looking a naked men- What would be the point in that?
6. If your spouse comes home and doesn't smell any thing cooking and sees you relaxing in a chair, believe me- he will notice.
7. If he asks you what is for dinner, just give him a sexy smile. If you are lucky, he will be hungry enough to start his own dinner.
8. If you are convinced that you are having a complete nervous breakdown, don't tell your spouse, just let him be surprised when he comes home from work and finds you in a catatonic state, hopefully he will notice that your eyes aren't blinking.
9. If one of your children is sucking the life out of your body and you want your spouse to intervene, don't bother. Just grab the child by the throat and say," I brought you into this world, I can take you out!"- not original but you will get your spouse's attention.
10. If you are desperate for a conversation, just watch a chic flick together. You will surely miss most of the movie including the plot as conversations will most definitely arise.
11. If your spouse calls you around 3pm pretending he wants to know about your day, just hold off telling him what's for dinner so you can actually have a conversation.
12. If you have an emotional need, you should be prepared that your spouse has a bigger need, instead just call a relative and leave a tear-jerking message on their answering machine.
13. If you are lucky enough to be in the middle of a meaningful conversation while the TV is on, watch carefully as he will increase the volume as to not miss what he was watching.
14. If your spouse sees you lighting cinnamon candles, he may get the wrong idea.
15. Try not to get too excited as time ticks by and you have an empty nest, which will allow you to have some love playing flashlight games. By the empty nest time, you may not be physically able to hold a flashlight. Don't ask me about those flashlight games, I only know it is a lose-lose situation, if you know what I mean
2. If you want his attention urgently, just tell him that you are thinking of quitting your job, that is, the out-of-the-house job, but you will keep the in-house 24-7 job that never ends.
3. If you have had a bad day at work and you need a listening ear, just call your Mom, at least you know that she cares.
4. If your body is not as beautiful as it once was, I don't recommend that you walk around naked seeking attention, instead, you might want to take trumpet lessons.
5. Open your lap top immediately if you really want conversation. You might want to look guilty if he walks over to glance at your screen. What in the name of Heaven does he think you are doing, looking a naked men- What would be the point in that?
6. If your spouse comes home and doesn't smell any thing cooking and sees you relaxing in a chair, believe me- he will notice.
7. If he asks you what is for dinner, just give him a sexy smile. If you are lucky, he will be hungry enough to start his own dinner.
8. If you are convinced that you are having a complete nervous breakdown, don't tell your spouse, just let him be surprised when he comes home from work and finds you in a catatonic state, hopefully he will notice that your eyes aren't blinking.
9. If one of your children is sucking the life out of your body and you want your spouse to intervene, don't bother. Just grab the child by the throat and say," I brought you into this world, I can take you out!"- not original but you will get your spouse's attention.
10. If you are desperate for a conversation, just watch a chic flick together. You will surely miss most of the movie including the plot as conversations will most definitely arise.
11. If your spouse calls you around 3pm pretending he wants to know about your day, just hold off telling him what's for dinner so you can actually have a conversation.
12. If you have an emotional need, you should be prepared that your spouse has a bigger need, instead just call a relative and leave a tear-jerking message on their answering machine.
13. If you are lucky enough to be in the middle of a meaningful conversation while the TV is on, watch carefully as he will increase the volume as to not miss what he was watching.
14. If your spouse sees you lighting cinnamon candles, he may get the wrong idea.
15. Try not to get too excited as time ticks by and you have an empty nest, which will allow you to have some love playing flashlight games. By the empty nest time, you may not be physically able to hold a flashlight. Don't ask me about those flashlight games, I only know it is a lose-lose situation, if you know what I mean
Thursday, September 17, 2009
How to Tolerate Your Coworkers
1. Never question why some coworkers are never busy, since you are jealous that they have learned a secret to survival.
2. Never question why some coworkers never get to work on time, since they do not feel that rules apply to them.
3. Do not get into an argument about the temperature control on your unit, since coworkers that complain of cold are not working hard enough to work up a sweat.
4. If a nurse spends extended periods of time sitting at her computer, you should ask her if you could shadow with her a day to learn the art of caring for a patient from the nurses station.
5. If a patient's bed alarm goes off several times and the nurse of that patient doesn't hear it, you may assume that she is losing her hearing and you should recommend a good audiologist.
6. If you are in the nurses station and some coworkers are speaking a different language, you MAY NOT assume that they are NOT talking about you.
7. If a coworker asks you to "cover" her patients so she can eat lunch and adds that they won't need anything, you can bet that she just told you a bare-faced lie.
8. If you think you saw your coworker walking down the hall talking to imaginary people, you might want to check under her wig for a blue tooth.
9. If a coworker jumps up suddenly from her computer work, you can bet that there is no patient emergency, but she is just answering her cell phone.
10. If you see a coworker in a staff meeting who is covering up her hands, you can bet that she is hiding her artificial nails.
11.If one of your coworker volunteers for every committee, you can bet that she just wants to get out of the house more.
12. If one of your coworkers calls you "Doctor so and so", you can be sure that she didn't mean it as a compliment and she should feel lucky that you didn't slap her across her sarcastic mouth.
13. If your coworker gets a tongue-lashing from the nurse manage and she thinks that you ratted on her, let her just think it. Maybe now, she will try to at least the minimum of her job description, which will be a definite improvement.
2. Never question why some coworkers never get to work on time, since they do not feel that rules apply to them.
3. Do not get into an argument about the temperature control on your unit, since coworkers that complain of cold are not working hard enough to work up a sweat.
4. If a nurse spends extended periods of time sitting at her computer, you should ask her if you could shadow with her a day to learn the art of caring for a patient from the nurses station.
5. If a patient's bed alarm goes off several times and the nurse of that patient doesn't hear it, you may assume that she is losing her hearing and you should recommend a good audiologist.
6. If you are in the nurses station and some coworkers are speaking a different language, you MAY NOT assume that they are NOT talking about you.
7. If a coworker asks you to "cover" her patients so she can eat lunch and adds that they won't need anything, you can bet that she just told you a bare-faced lie.
8. If you think you saw your coworker walking down the hall talking to imaginary people, you might want to check under her wig for a blue tooth.
9. If a coworker jumps up suddenly from her computer work, you can bet that there is no patient emergency, but she is just answering her cell phone.
10. If you see a coworker in a staff meeting who is covering up her hands, you can bet that she is hiding her artificial nails.
11.If one of your coworker volunteers for every committee, you can bet that she just wants to get out of the house more.
12. If one of your coworkers calls you "Doctor so and so", you can be sure that she didn't mean it as a compliment and she should feel lucky that you didn't slap her across her sarcastic mouth.
13. If your coworker gets a tongue-lashing from the nurse manage and she thinks that you ratted on her, let her just think it. Maybe now, she will try to at least the minimum of her job description, which will be a definite improvement.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
The First Couple
God knew what he was doing when he put Adam and Eve in the garden, which was probably the size of Kansas. He knew that they would want to get away from each other at times, maybe far away so they wouldn't kill each other like one of their children did. Talk about a dysfunctional family! I wonder what went on in that garden to make Cain hate Abel so much.
Eve probably spent more time with Abel, since he was easier to love or maybe Adam spent more time with Abel. Abel probably never walked in on his parents having some rabbit sex in the late afternoon. He probably enjoyed spending time with his parents, talking and walking or whatever one does in Kansas.
But Cain must have been needy, always trying to get his parents attention. He didn't care if it was negative attention or not, just so he got some attention. I have to wonder what impact Cain's deed had on his parents. I can only assume that they must have spent some quality time blaming each other for not going to parenting classes, not watching Dr. Phil, and never attending a Tough Love session. I have to wonder if even Dr Phil could have saved that marriage at that point. One can bet there was a chill in the air.
We have to assume that Adam and Eve were the first unfit parents that we came to know. Wouldn't you think that they would have concentrated more on their children than one little tree?
Their interaction for the day must have gone like this:
"How was your day dear?" asked Adam as he sat under a tree doing nothing.
"Fine, I guess. Cain killed Abel. I made you an apple pie," responds Eve.
"I've been telling you over and over that Cain had too much time on his hands, but you never agreed with me. Now look what has happened and it's all your fault," exclaimed Adam.
Eve picked up the pie and threw it in Adam's face. Wouldn't the bible be so much more interesting if the whole story was told.
Eve probably spent more time with Abel, since he was easier to love or maybe Adam spent more time with Abel. Abel probably never walked in on his parents having some rabbit sex in the late afternoon. He probably enjoyed spending time with his parents, talking and walking or whatever one does in Kansas.
But Cain must have been needy, always trying to get his parents attention. He didn't care if it was negative attention or not, just so he got some attention. I have to wonder what impact Cain's deed had on his parents. I can only assume that they must have spent some quality time blaming each other for not going to parenting classes, not watching Dr. Phil, and never attending a Tough Love session. I have to wonder if even Dr Phil could have saved that marriage at that point. One can bet there was a chill in the air.
We have to assume that Adam and Eve were the first unfit parents that we came to know. Wouldn't you think that they would have concentrated more on their children than one little tree?
Their interaction for the day must have gone like this:
"How was your day dear?" asked Adam as he sat under a tree doing nothing.
"Fine, I guess. Cain killed Abel. I made you an apple pie," responds Eve.
"I've been telling you over and over that Cain had too much time on his hands, but you never agreed with me. Now look what has happened and it's all your fault," exclaimed Adam.
Eve picked up the pie and threw it in Adam's face. Wouldn't the bible be so much more interesting if the whole story was told.
Monday, September 14, 2009
How to End Your Sex Life
1. When you have used all your imagination fibers and your idea of a hunk is Clint Eastwood, you might already be at the end of your sex life.
2. When your husband gets turned on watching your butt as you vacuum, you might want to give the vacuum to Good Will.
3 When your husband forgets your anniversary date, but has a planner where he has marked the last time you two had sex, you may see yourself as a good lay and not a real person.
4. If your husband gives you a book on erotic sex positions to enhance his sex life, try not to laugh out loud at the pictures. Remember though, that laughter produces endorphins that will help you sleep.
5. If you really want to rid your husband of his sex drive, start demanding sex twice a day. By the third day, he will be in the Coronary Care Unit with rubber legs.
6. If your sex encounters have gone from one hour of insane body groping in the back seat of a car to five minutes of KY jelly in a comfortable bed, your sex life might already to over.
7. If your husband's MD gives him a sexual enhancement type of pill, you might want to get see this MD for a pill that will cause you to have to change your underwear twice a day.
8. If your husband has a date scheduled for sex, you might want to put the pressure on him by telling him that you only have five minutes which is 4 more than he needs.
9. If you run out of excuses to avoid sex, try this- "I just came from the GYN doctor and he says I have a contagious disease capable of peeling the skin off a male special organ like a banana, he may think twice.
10. If your own Mom tells you that the way to a man's heart is through food and sex, you might want to do some research to find a way to prove her wrong.
11. If your husband invites you to watch a movie where a couple has sex for an hour, try to act interested even though you can see the same thing in your back yard with horny rabbits.
12. If you are struggling to get "in the mood" try drinking some Nyquil, it is the same as a shot of whiskey and will give you the same results.
13. Remember this, a man without sex is more easily agitated than a woman without a charge card. No woman is complete without her card..
2. When your husband gets turned on watching your butt as you vacuum, you might want to give the vacuum to Good Will.
3 When your husband forgets your anniversary date, but has a planner where he has marked the last time you two had sex, you may see yourself as a good lay and not a real person.
4. If your husband gives you a book on erotic sex positions to enhance his sex life, try not to laugh out loud at the pictures. Remember though, that laughter produces endorphins that will help you sleep.
5. If you really want to rid your husband of his sex drive, start demanding sex twice a day. By the third day, he will be in the Coronary Care Unit with rubber legs.
6. If your sex encounters have gone from one hour of insane body groping in the back seat of a car to five minutes of KY jelly in a comfortable bed, your sex life might already to over.
7. If your husband's MD gives him a sexual enhancement type of pill, you might want to get see this MD for a pill that will cause you to have to change your underwear twice a day.
8. If your husband has a date scheduled for sex, you might want to put the pressure on him by telling him that you only have five minutes which is 4 more than he needs.
9. If you run out of excuses to avoid sex, try this- "I just came from the GYN doctor and he says I have a contagious disease capable of peeling the skin off a male special organ like a banana, he may think twice.
10. If your own Mom tells you that the way to a man's heart is through food and sex, you might want to do some research to find a way to prove her wrong.
11. If your husband invites you to watch a movie where a couple has sex for an hour, try to act interested even though you can see the same thing in your back yard with horny rabbits.
12. If you are struggling to get "in the mood" try drinking some Nyquil, it is the same as a shot of whiskey and will give you the same results.
13. Remember this, a man without sex is more easily agitated than a woman without a charge card. No woman is complete without her card..
Thursday, September 10, 2009
How to Tell if Your Marriage is on the Rocks
1. If you get the Hong Kong flu and lay dying in a violent, delirious fever, and your spouse's main concern if whether he catches it or not; it's a bad sign
2. If your spouse is worth more to you dead than alive and you think about that more than once in awhile; it's a bad sign.
3. If the only note you get from your spouse is when he needs a prescription picked up, even though he passes the Rite Aide twice a day; it's a bad sign.
4. If you and your spouse are in the car more than 8 hrs and you run out of things to say after 15 minutes; it's a bad sign.
5. If your pet gets more attention than you do; it's a bad sign.
6. If you are annoyed by your spouse's lack of concern while you lay dying with the Hong Kong flu and you are thinking of spitting on his toothbrush; it's a bad sign.
7. If your spouse converses with your pet more than you; it's a bad sign.
8. If you know that your spouse has sleep apnea and you don't tell him, then you may be commiting a felony and you don't deserve the life insurance money. Guilt money is dirty money and this is also a very bad sign.
9. If you are ill longer than 10 days and your spouse wants to know how much sick time you have left, it's time to go back to work. At least you can die with friends.
10. If you are ill longer than 10 days and still manage to get groceries, clean the house, and do all the laundry, then you really weren't that sick and you just wasted precious sick time.
11. If your spouse asks you how you are feeling during a football game, you might as well tell him the truth since you are dying, but don't be surprised if he doesn't react.
12. If your spouse comes home from work and has used up his 100 words for the day, you might as well call a friend and chat with her answering machine.
13. If your spouse seems absorbed in his e-mail or fixated by it,k you can only hope that "she" will appear on your doorstep. If she does, don't waste time killing her, just invite her in and enlighten her on her e-mail buddy.
2. If your spouse is worth more to you dead than alive and you think about that more than once in awhile; it's a bad sign.
3. If the only note you get from your spouse is when he needs a prescription picked up, even though he passes the Rite Aide twice a day; it's a bad sign.
4. If you and your spouse are in the car more than 8 hrs and you run out of things to say after 15 minutes; it's a bad sign.
5. If your pet gets more attention than you do; it's a bad sign.
6. If you are annoyed by your spouse's lack of concern while you lay dying with the Hong Kong flu and you are thinking of spitting on his toothbrush; it's a bad sign.
7. If your spouse converses with your pet more than you; it's a bad sign.
8. If you know that your spouse has sleep apnea and you don't tell him, then you may be commiting a felony and you don't deserve the life insurance money. Guilt money is dirty money and this is also a very bad sign.
9. If you are ill longer than 10 days and your spouse wants to know how much sick time you have left, it's time to go back to work. At least you can die with friends.
10. If you are ill longer than 10 days and still manage to get groceries, clean the house, and do all the laundry, then you really weren't that sick and you just wasted precious sick time.
11. If your spouse asks you how you are feeling during a football game, you might as well tell him the truth since you are dying, but don't be surprised if he doesn't react.
12. If your spouse comes home from work and has used up his 100 words for the day, you might as well call a friend and chat with her answering machine.
13. If your spouse seems absorbed in his e-mail or fixated by it,k you can only hope that "she" will appear on your doorstep. If she does, don't waste time killing her, just invite her in and enlighten her on her e-mail buddy.
How to Survive Your Hospital Stay
1. If you believe the bad publicity about the risk on your life as a patient in a hospital, you should monitor your daily body abuse, because your deteriorating health is your worst fear about to come.
2. If you don't know the names and dosages of your own medications, and the list is in your safe at home where your advanced directive is, you can be sure that you won't get those meds. You will surprisingly live without them. Think of yourself as a contestant on the Survivor Show.
3. If you don't like waiting in the ER when you think you are URGENT, just have your doctor admit you directly to a room. You might want to pack a lunch.
4. If you are receiving tests, blood work, and new skittles (pills) that are all new to you, try asking your MD about them and stop annoying your nurse.
5. If you happen to be a visitor in the hospital and your loved one needs to vomit, don't sprint out to the nurses station in a panic to get a nurse. Just tell your loved one to lean over the bed and vomit on the floor or the trash can. Vomiting should be treated the same as if you were home. So if you lay in your bed and vomit on yourself, you are going to smell very bad for some time.
6. If you haven't seen your MD for a day or so, do not ask your nurse about him. She does not keep a daily log of his whereabouts.
7. If you are a cold natured person who loves blankets, down pillows and comforters, on top of a Sealy mattress, you might want to rent a U-haul truck and pack up before coming to the hospital.
8. If you sleep with a B-pap or C-pap at home, you should bring it with you so you don't die in your drugged up euphoria. Remember hospitals are into pain relief.
9. If you bring your squirrelly parent to be admitted and tell the nurse that she has fallen at home, be prepared that nothing will change because she is a patient, except the floor is harder.
10. If you are not satisfied with the care of your squirrelly parent, you should just take her back home with you and give them some REAL nursing care. You are allowed to bring her back after
she has kept you up for a week. No questions asked.
11. If you see a different nurse each shift, don't whine about the lack of continuity and be happy that you at least saw your nurse.
12. If your nurse tells you that she is waiting for your meds to come from the pharmacy, you might as well sneak into your personal secret stash before you go into some serious withdrawal.
13. If you are ingesting narcotic skittles at home and come in for surgery, be prepared for some serious pain issues, since there are not enough narcotics in the med pixis that will bring your pain score down without killing you.
14. If you have a complaint that your nurse has not been pleasant to you, try to remember that she is not in a Miss Congeniality contest and gets no extra money for smiling. You are not on a Reality show and you shouldn't have to be entertained.
15. If you are well enough to notice that your nurse has been grumpy, then you are well enough to go home.
16. If you think that your nurse has taken too long to answer your call light, just get OOB and go find her, after all, you could walk before you came into the hospital. The exercise will do you good and while you are up go to the bathroom to pee or vomit.
17. If you see an air bubble in your IV tubing that is going directly into your body, there is no need to panic. Air bubbles are not deadly, but you are encouraged to say "yes" to spiritual care.
18. Don't complain about one nurse to another. This is just wasted time whining when you could be getting your over-rated pain medication.
2. If you don't know the names and dosages of your own medications, and the list is in your safe at home where your advanced directive is, you can be sure that you won't get those meds. You will surprisingly live without them. Think of yourself as a contestant on the Survivor Show.
3. If you don't like waiting in the ER when you think you are URGENT, just have your doctor admit you directly to a room. You might want to pack a lunch.
4. If you are receiving tests, blood work, and new skittles (pills) that are all new to you, try asking your MD about them and stop annoying your nurse.
5. If you happen to be a visitor in the hospital and your loved one needs to vomit, don't sprint out to the nurses station in a panic to get a nurse. Just tell your loved one to lean over the bed and vomit on the floor or the trash can. Vomiting should be treated the same as if you were home. So if you lay in your bed and vomit on yourself, you are going to smell very bad for some time.
6. If you haven't seen your MD for a day or so, do not ask your nurse about him. She does not keep a daily log of his whereabouts.
7. If you are a cold natured person who loves blankets, down pillows and comforters, on top of a Sealy mattress, you might want to rent a U-haul truck and pack up before coming to the hospital.
8. If you sleep with a B-pap or C-pap at home, you should bring it with you so you don't die in your drugged up euphoria. Remember hospitals are into pain relief.
9. If you bring your squirrelly parent to be admitted and tell the nurse that she has fallen at home, be prepared that nothing will change because she is a patient, except the floor is harder.
10. If you are not satisfied with the care of your squirrelly parent, you should just take her back home with you and give them some REAL nursing care. You are allowed to bring her back after
she has kept you up for a week. No questions asked.
11. If you see a different nurse each shift, don't whine about the lack of continuity and be happy that you at least saw your nurse.
12. If your nurse tells you that she is waiting for your meds to come from the pharmacy, you might as well sneak into your personal secret stash before you go into some serious withdrawal.
13. If you are ingesting narcotic skittles at home and come in for surgery, be prepared for some serious pain issues, since there are not enough narcotics in the med pixis that will bring your pain score down without killing you.
14. If you have a complaint that your nurse has not been pleasant to you, try to remember that she is not in a Miss Congeniality contest and gets no extra money for smiling. You are not on a Reality show and you shouldn't have to be entertained.
15. If you are well enough to notice that your nurse has been grumpy, then you are well enough to go home.
16. If you think that your nurse has taken too long to answer your call light, just get OOB and go find her, after all, you could walk before you came into the hospital. The exercise will do you good and while you are up go to the bathroom to pee or vomit.
17. If you see an air bubble in your IV tubing that is going directly into your body, there is no need to panic. Air bubbles are not deadly, but you are encouraged to say "yes" to spiritual care.
18. Don't complain about one nurse to another. This is just wasted time whining when you could be getting your over-rated pain medication.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Just Say No
For the benefit of those of us, who are borderline food addicts, I have several easy steps to not only keep weight down, but make it go away for as long as you want. Just remember one thing, you have to want it. You have to care more about how you want to look than about how much you want to eat. So decide right now, which one you will choose. Do it!!
For the ease of reading, I have listed careful instructions. There is no complicated diet to fret about and no weighing of food. Just read on, and you will see how simple the whole weight thing can be. Think of these as New Year resolutions that you are making a little late this year.
1. Never and I repeat never buy sweat pants. Sweat pants are only good for abdominal girth expansion and they are NOT your friend. However, if you do own a pair of sweat pants, you may wear them if you get the flu and only then.
2. When the seasons change and you bring out last year's jeans, finding out that you can't get them buttoned, you may not under any circumstances go out and buy a larger pair. This is forbidden. You must lie down on your bed and wrestle with those tight jeans and get them buttoned. Ignore the fact that your skin is hanging over the waist line of the jeans or that some very sensitive body parts may be suffocating, just do it. Repeat the bed lying exercise daily, until you decide to say no to food or the jeans begin to fit, whichever comes first.
3. Do not eat anything after 5pm. This is a sin of the worst nature, since this is usually the down time and whatever you eat will go straight to your hips.
4. When you are very, very hungry, drink a 12 oz glass of water with your tight jeans on. Believe me, this is a better solution to feeling full than gastric bypass surgery and it is much safer.
5. After the water, with the tight jeans on, sit down and try to eat your meal. It won't happen. There is something magical about water and tight clothes, the food just can't find any place to go. Unfortunately this will give you gas, but this is not a bad side effect, it is a necessary evil.
6. Do not go out and buy a moo-moo dress or a tent dress. They are delightfully comfortable, but you can consume tons of food wearing one of those, so they are not your friend.
7. Do not blame your genes on your poor ole Mom. It is not her fault that you eat more than you need to.
8. Do not blame stress for the reason you eat comfort food. Eating comfort food is a conscious decision and you need to learn to say NO.
9. Do not ride around the mall parking lot looking for a space 20 feet from the entrance. Park your car far away and walk briskly. Never use an elevator, no matter how high the building rises. You won't die taking the steps even though you may feel like it.
10. Do not try to park your car within arm's length of your mail box, so you don't have to walk back down your driveway to get it. Come on now, this is sinful.
11. Eat your main meal in the morning, so you can kill those calories as you walk the steps to your job several times in one day.
12. Do not call a friend to go out for lunch, instead, call a friend and go for a walk around the track. It will be cheaper and you can talk secrets the whole time without anyone hearing you.
13. Replace every beverage you have with plain ole water. Water will quency your thirst, fill up your stomach, and will NOT add calories to your day. Just do it! You can live without soda and you must. Soda is not your friend.
14. Pick one day a week to indulge yourself in your favorite weakness of food abuse. Mark it on your calendar. Do not cheat on any other day. The other days, you must follow the above 13 steps.
15. Do exerices daily by simply putting both hands on the edge of the table and push yourself away. This easy exercise may knock off 1000 calories a day.
These are just a few tips that I know will work. Life is all about discipline. Your body and your health should be your first priority, if you don't care for either of these, you will suffer. Extra weight is not your friend and no matter how many years you have battled with weight, the war will continue to rage. But you can win, if you want to. Just Say No!
For the ease of reading, I have listed careful instructions. There is no complicated diet to fret about and no weighing of food. Just read on, and you will see how simple the whole weight thing can be. Think of these as New Year resolutions that you are making a little late this year.
1. Never and I repeat never buy sweat pants. Sweat pants are only good for abdominal girth expansion and they are NOT your friend. However, if you do own a pair of sweat pants, you may wear them if you get the flu and only then.
2. When the seasons change and you bring out last year's jeans, finding out that you can't get them buttoned, you may not under any circumstances go out and buy a larger pair. This is forbidden. You must lie down on your bed and wrestle with those tight jeans and get them buttoned. Ignore the fact that your skin is hanging over the waist line of the jeans or that some very sensitive body parts may be suffocating, just do it. Repeat the bed lying exercise daily, until you decide to say no to food or the jeans begin to fit, whichever comes first.
3. Do not eat anything after 5pm. This is a sin of the worst nature, since this is usually the down time and whatever you eat will go straight to your hips.
4. When you are very, very hungry, drink a 12 oz glass of water with your tight jeans on. Believe me, this is a better solution to feeling full than gastric bypass surgery and it is much safer.
5. After the water, with the tight jeans on, sit down and try to eat your meal. It won't happen. There is something magical about water and tight clothes, the food just can't find any place to go. Unfortunately this will give you gas, but this is not a bad side effect, it is a necessary evil.
6. Do not go out and buy a moo-moo dress or a tent dress. They are delightfully comfortable, but you can consume tons of food wearing one of those, so they are not your friend.
7. Do not blame your genes on your poor ole Mom. It is not her fault that you eat more than you need to.
8. Do not blame stress for the reason you eat comfort food. Eating comfort food is a conscious decision and you need to learn to say NO.
9. Do not ride around the mall parking lot looking for a space 20 feet from the entrance. Park your car far away and walk briskly. Never use an elevator, no matter how high the building rises. You won't die taking the steps even though you may feel like it.
10. Do not try to park your car within arm's length of your mail box, so you don't have to walk back down your driveway to get it. Come on now, this is sinful.
11. Eat your main meal in the morning, so you can kill those calories as you walk the steps to your job several times in one day.
12. Do not call a friend to go out for lunch, instead, call a friend and go for a walk around the track. It will be cheaper and you can talk secrets the whole time without anyone hearing you.
13. Replace every beverage you have with plain ole water. Water will quency your thirst, fill up your stomach, and will NOT add calories to your day. Just do it! You can live without soda and you must. Soda is not your friend.
14. Pick one day a week to indulge yourself in your favorite weakness of food abuse. Mark it on your calendar. Do not cheat on any other day. The other days, you must follow the above 13 steps.
15. Do exerices daily by simply putting both hands on the edge of the table and push yourself away. This easy exercise may knock off 1000 calories a day.
These are just a few tips that I know will work. Life is all about discipline. Your body and your health should be your first priority, if you don't care for either of these, you will suffer. Extra weight is not your friend and no matter how many years you have battled with weight, the war will continue to rage. But you can win, if you want to. Just Say No!
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