Just Say No

For the benefit of those of us, who are borderline food addicts, I have several easy steps to not only keep weight down, but make it go away for as long as you want. Just remember one thing, you have to want it. You have to care more about how you want to look than about how much you want to eat. So decide right now, which one you will choose. Do it!!
For the ease of reading, I have listed careful instructions. There is no complicated diet to fret about and no weighing of food. Just read on, and you will see how simple the whole weight thing can be. Think of these as New Year resolutions that you are making a little late this year.
1. Never and I repeat never buy sweat pants. Sweat pants are only good for abdominal girth expansion and they are NOT your friend. However, if you do own a pair of sweat pants, you may wear them if you get the flu and only then.
2. When the seasons change and you bring out last year's jeans, finding out that you can't get them buttoned, you may not under any circumstances go out and buy a larger pair. This is forbidden. You must lie down on your bed and wrestle with those tight jeans and get them buttoned. Ignore the fact that your skin is hanging over the waist line of the jeans or that some very sensitive body parts may be suffocating, just do it. Repeat the bed lying exercise daily, until you decide to say no to food or the jeans begin to fit, whichever comes first.
3. Do not eat anything after 5pm. This is a sin of the worst nature, since this is usually the down time and whatever you eat will go straight to your hips.
4. When you are very, very hungry, drink a 12 oz glass of water with your tight jeans on. Believe me, this is a better solution to feeling full than gastric bypass surgery and it is much safer.
5. After the water, with the tight jeans on, sit down and try to eat your meal. It won't happen. There is something magical about water and tight clothes, the food just can't find any place to go. Unfortunately this will give you gas, but this is not a bad side effect, it is a necessary evil.
6. Do not go out and buy a moo-moo dress or a tent dress. They are delightfully comfortable, but you can consume tons of food wearing one of those, so they are not your friend.
7. Do not blame your genes on your poor ole Mom. It is not her fault that you eat more than you need to.
8. Do not blame stress for the reason you eat comfort food. Eating comfort food is a conscious decision and you need to learn to say NO.
9. Do not ride around the mall parking lot looking for a space 20 feet from the entrance. Park your car far away and walk briskly. Never use an elevator, no matter how high the building rises. You won't die taking the steps even though you may feel like it.
10. Do not try to park your car within arm's length of your mail box, so you don't have to walk back down your driveway to get it. Come on now, this is sinful.
11. Eat your main meal in the morning, so you can kill those calories as you walk the steps to your job several times in one day.
12. Do not call a friend to go out for lunch, instead, call a friend and go for a walk around the track. It will be cheaper and you can talk secrets the whole time without anyone hearing you.
13. Replace every beverage you have with plain ole water. Water will quency your thirst, fill up your stomach, and will NOT add calories to your day. Just do it! You can live without soda and you must. Soda is not your friend.
14. Pick one day a week to indulge yourself in your favorite weakness of food abuse. Mark it on your calendar. Do not cheat on any other day. The other days, you must follow the above 13 steps.
15. Do exerices daily by simply putting both hands on the edge of the table and push yourself away. This easy exercise may knock off 1000 calories a day.
These are just a few tips that I know will work. Life is all about discipline. Your body and your health should be your first priority, if you don't care for either of these, you will suffer. Extra weight is not your friend and no matter how many years you have battled with weight, the war will continue to rage. But you can win, if you want to. Just Say No!