How to Survive Your Hospital Stay

1. If you believe the bad publicity about the risk on your life as a patient in a hospital, you should monitor your daily body abuse, because your deteriorating health is your worst fear about to come.
2. If you don't know the names and dosages of your own medications, and the list is in your safe at home where your advanced directive is, you can be sure that you won't get those meds. You will surprisingly live without them. Think of yourself as a contestant on the Survivor Show.
3. If you don't like waiting in the ER when you think you are URGENT, just have your doctor admit you directly to a room. You might want to pack a lunch.
4. If you are receiving tests, blood work, and new skittles (pills) that are all new to you, try asking your MD about them and stop annoying your nurse.
5. If you happen to be a visitor in the hospital and your loved one needs to vomit, don't sprint out to the nurses station in a panic to get a nurse. Just tell your loved one to lean over the bed and vomit on the floor or the trash can. Vomiting should be treated the same as if you were home. So if you lay in your bed and vomit on yourself, you are going to smell very bad for some time.
6. If you haven't seen your MD for a day or so, do not ask your nurse about him. She does not keep a daily log of his whereabouts.
7. If you are a cold natured person who loves blankets, down pillows and comforters, on top of a Sealy mattress, you might want to rent a U-haul truck and pack up before coming to the hospital.
8. If you sleep with a B-pap or C-pap at home, you should bring it with you so you don't die in your drugged up euphoria. Remember hospitals are into pain relief.
9. If you bring your squirrelly parent to be admitted and tell the nurse that she has fallen at home, be prepared that nothing will change because she is a patient, except the floor is harder.
10. If you are not satisfied with the care of your squirrelly parent, you should just take her back home with you and give them some REAL nursing care. You are allowed to bring her back after
she has kept you up for a week. No questions asked.
11. If you see a different nurse each shift, don't whine about the lack of continuity and be happy that you at least saw your nurse.
12. If your nurse tells you that she is waiting for your meds to come from the pharmacy, you might as well sneak into your personal secret stash before you go into some serious withdrawal.
13. If you are ingesting narcotic skittles at home and come in for surgery, be prepared for some serious pain issues, since there are not enough narcotics in the med pixis that will bring your pain score down without killing you.
14. If you have a complaint that your nurse has not been pleasant to you, try to remember that she is not in a Miss Congeniality contest and gets no extra money for smiling. You are not on a Reality show and you shouldn't have to be entertained.
15. If you are well enough to notice that your nurse has been grumpy, then you are well enough to go home.
16. If you think that your nurse has taken too long to answer your call light, just get OOB and go find her, after all, you could walk before you came into the hospital. The exercise will do you good and while you are up go to the bathroom to pee or vomit.
17. If you see an air bubble in your IV tubing that is going directly into your body, there is no need to panic. Air bubbles are not deadly, but you are encouraged to say "yes" to spiritual care.
18. Don't complain about one nurse to another. This is just wasted time whining when you could be getting your over-rated pain medication.