The Mystery of Intimate Apparel

I admit to you that I just don't get it. I went shopping for underwear last week. Isn't it odd that all your old underwear gets holes and loses elasticity at the same time? Let me tell you about my intimate apparel shopping expedition that surely took as long as shopping for a diamond ring. You might be interested to know that this was my third time to shop at Kohls for just 3 inches of material.
As you know, the intimate apparel can not be tried on, thus creating a bad situation which causes us to bring home alot of drawers that just don't fit. Some of them don't even cover your butt. Others don't have a back part, just a string so our whole butt is hanging out and they are very popular even though they cause a constant wedgey. To some women, this must be sensual, but to me, it is just a feeling that my drawers are stuck in my butt.
Last week after an hour of looking, I finally selected 3 pair that were not in a package. At least I could guess if they were my size, but there was no guarantee of that. So I brought them home. All 3 pair were the same size I have worn for years, but with empty spaces of material on each hip for fat, I guess and neither of them covered my butt. I am pretty sure that my weight has not changed in 30 years, but the sizes of butts and hips, well let's just say that they must have changed proportions over time.
Why can't they just put a removable plastic cover in the crotch and just let the consumer try them on, like a swimsuit or a bra? No one buys a bra unless you try it on first. A bra has to feel just right and you need to be able to put it on or off without your husband's assistance. ( I think you know what havoc that would create!)
I also noticed something new, women wear boxers. I have no idea how they keep a sanitary pad in place or what would happen if a tampon flew out. Maybe boxers are just for special times.
Anyway, I got a pair of boxers and boy, talking about comfort. Things get a good airing out in those drawers. Talking about the feeling of wearing nothing. I highly recommend them. I even think that the same pair could be worn a day or two and still smell great. There are no wedgies or jamming of material in the wrong places at any time.
Yet, whoever produced men's intimate apparel knew exactly what he was doing. First of all, real men do not wear intimate apparel, they wear briefs. They could be called drawers since drawers are places that contain all sorts of things and their drawers cover up all their things. The sizes come in 32-34, 36-38 and so on. The poor fellow that wears a 35 is out of luck. But somehow, the manufacturers knew this, so they made a pouch in all men's underwear that can stretch large enough to hold a large, baby kangaroo, or small enough to conceal a teeny, finger of a baby kangaroo. Sort of: one size fits all. They come in packages of 3 and there is never a need to return them. They cover not only men's butts, but the "dogs" that live in the house.
They even have a little window to let the "dogs" out if need be. Wouldn't it be nice if women's intimate apparel had a little convenient window like that? Maybe one that could be unsnapped and used only if necessary. Maybe for the airing out days, you could unsnap the window, leaving it open and not soiling your underwear. I know that women's boxers last longer than any other intimate apparel. I don't know why women's boxers are called intimate apparel, unless it got its name by allowing you to be intimate with the boxers on !!!
So why bother to wear underwear at all? No one knows if you are wearing them or not. All those beautiful prints, poke a dots, lace, see through, denim and cotton are just articles of more laundry to do.
Of course if you choose to wear underwear, you have to have a bra to match. It is in down right poor taste to wear a red bra with neon pink panties with purple lace. Who dresses with such clashing colors? What if you had a car accident??? HUH?? Your mother knew what she was talking about when she warned you years ago.
Need I go into the pantyhose story? Yes, I think I will. On the back of the sealed package is a chart with shaded areas as a guideline to help you find the right size. The shadow area covers alot of territory, for instance, someone 5'8" tall, weighing 200lbs would qualify for a B, or so you would think. A woman 5' 2", weighing 250 lbs falls into the same class. Someone is going to have comfort issues if they depend on those quidelines.
You stand there awhile and debate on height versus weight and settle for B. When you bring B home, you find that the pantyhose barely goes over your knees. You are then indeed stuck with your purchase, trying not to mind that the panty hose will never go over your hips or butt, but will leave a red mark on your thighs. You dare not try to yank them up. So you pull them off and try again. Sometimes, it takes 2-3 times before you can adjust the pantyhose so you can walk. Who invented this chart, I wonder? It couldn't have been a woman, but whoever it was had no idea that panty hose would stretch only so far, then unravel right before you very eyes.
I am thinking that the pantyhose designer is the same one that dreamed up those women's dress shoes with the pointed toe. Any fool that knows her feet, knows that her toes are going to fold on top of each other, causing her intense pain when she walks. Thank God for sneakers.
Sneakers were invented by a woman. I wear mine all the time, even to church. They are non-skid thus making them less life-threatening.
I will close with a comment on women's gloves. I presume they were made in Japan, where the women are 4 ft tall with one inch fingers. These same gloves in the USA cover our fingers, but they stop right in the middle of your hand. They are worse than panty hose, at least no one sees your pantyhose crawling down your thighs.
So what does a woman do if she has long fingers? Maybe with the threat of a global warming, she won't have to worry about it. HUH??