The Evans' Go Upstate

Planning for a trip one year in advance is not always a good thing. How do you know if you will be alive then? Or if you still want to go? So a trip of this nature can cause some undo stress, especially for us, since we are already at our peak of anxiety on a normal day!
We purchased our tickets for a 4-day bus trip to Cooperstown, New York to see our Ironman, Cal Ripken be inducted into the Hall of Fame. This was in fact a man vacation,which I will explain.
One week prior to our little vacation, all H---- broke loose. Our son Stephen needed to have shoulder surgery after the UMBC trainers wasted the whole summer trying to decide on a course of action. It worked out for them to do the surgery the day before we were to leave for NY.
After a zillion phone calls, we postponed the surgery so we could take the trip which meant we packed that huge worry right in our suitcases.
And after years of my back misery, the pain returned with a vengeance to the point where I could not clean my own bathrooms. As the date for the trip got closer, I was starting to doubt if I could even stand the trip. But when you pay a year in advance and don't get that blasted insurance, you just go.
Our family had many discussions that week. Our son Stephen wanted to stay home and have his surgery. Our son Rusty didn't want to stay in the same hotel room with us with just two beds. I wanted to go to Ocean City or visit my Aunt Gert and camp out in her sunroom. My husband doesn't like to leave his habitat. And no one wanted to put the dog in the kennel since he had become as high strung as the rest of us.
So Friday arrived. I announced that everyone had to pack for themselves. The chaos of the last minute Evan's crazy actions started to unfold.
In the mid afternoon, my husband, who had been off work a whole week, remembered he had a mother that he had to visit, which was a 2-hr trip that annoyed me. Then you may recall, we were in the worst drought and everyone's lawn was brown like dirt. Keep this in mind as you read. We hadn't had a thunderstorm in months.
I left to take the hyper dog to the kennel as my husband had some downtime on his laptop. He did tell me he was going to mow the lawn and I asked him, "whose lawn?" since we didn't even have any grass. This annoyed me as well and I knew it would suck up 2 more hours and no one had packed yet.
On the way to the kennel, the sky got dark and we had a pretend storm where the wind blows and it thunders with sporadic rain fall that barely wets the grass and was capable of electrocuting a man on a lawnmower. When I got home the lawn mowers had taken cover in the garage and I couldn't even park my car. I finally got in and saw my husband reclining and playing his Game Boy as he waited out the lightning storm, which annoyed me once again.
I think I was getting nuts because it was nearing 7pm and no one had packed yet. What's with that? I wanted to load the car the night before since we had to meet the bus as 0630 the next day to begin our trip.
Stephen still wasn't home from college and Rusty didn't think he should pack "if Stephen hadn't packed yet." What are they, toddlers? Rusty was busy trying to find some Cal Ripken stuff and I finally found a number 8 shirt that I had been using as a wedge between my air mattress and the bureau for 4 years. I am a true fan, don't you think?
At 10pm, I was exhausted, the car was empty, and I left them and went to bed. The mountain was just too big to fight. I thought that vacationers were supposed to relax and forget their troubles, so why was I thinking of selling my ticket on E-Bay?
We got up early and everyone was scrambling around doing things that should have been done the night before. I was annoyed with all 3 of them.
We made it in time to meet the bus without killing each other, parked the car, and got in to take our seats. I settled back in my seat and took a deep breathe. But we were not moving, it seemed one couple was missing. We waited for them for 10 minutes and they finally arrived and walked on the bus without any apology like we owed them this special time. How can people be so annoying? I instantly disliked both of them and not because they were huge or late, but because they were huge AND late, a deadly combo. They were so big, they shared 2 seats each, which was a good thing for them so their fat didn't rub together and cause huge bedsores from the bumpy bus ride. The man had sleep apnea and snored the whole time we were on the bus. How could anyone be that tired?
We stopped for breakfast after 2 hrs and we were told that we had one hour to eat. The little country place was small and the food was great when we finally got it. Everyone on the entire bus had been served but us. Were we that easy to over-look? I had to tell the hostess of the bus that we would be late. This little adventure became our trademark through out the trip. No matter where we went to eat, out table was either forgotten or last and we were the tallest people on the bus trip. Isn't that weird? I was starting to doubt if we were really going to Cooperstown or if I was in the middle of a bad dream.
We stayed in Utica, in a large hotel, one hour from Cooperstown. Our room was large and we piled in as we bickered over sleeping arrangements. We ordered a cot for Rusty, Stephen claimed one bed and my husband the other bed. How nice! Where was I going to sleep? I finally put two bench things and a chair together and used a spread for a mattress. And why not? This was a man vacation with man shopping and man talk. I was the invisible, needy woman in constant back pain. But it was only for a few nights and surely I would survive.
The next day, we got up at 0500 to eat breakfast and ride our bus into Cooperstown so we could get a spot for the induction ceremony. Can you imagine 70,000 people huddled in chairs on acres of green grass with humidity that would kill a cactus? No wonder we never went to Disney World.!
Even the zillion people did not amaze me as my own family did. My husband who can not stay on the beach for more than an hour under a 100 SPF umbrella managed to sit for 4 hours in 100 degree sun blazing heat with sweat running down his face without a word of complaint. My boys who dislike sitting in an air conditioned church with a 20 minute message from their Uncle, managed to listen to 2 speeches, one 35 minutes long and one fifteen, with their shirts drenched in sweat and not one complaint from either of them.
This same trio, who wouldn't be caught dead shopping in a mall for Christmas gifts (thank God for Santa) shopped for 2 days in the Hall of Fame while I sat on a bench wishing I had some pain pills for my back. They were in some kind of male euphoria, a true man vacation. They stayed up late, they took naps, they ate tons of food and since I hate all 3 of those things, it was tough for me, but in the name of quality family time, I survived.
The sole purpose of any family vacation is to see who survives without any blood shed and to see what is left of the family by the end of the trip.
It seems that my dear husband who enjoyed the trip so much is planning our next vacation and he thinks a cruise would be great. HUH? Yeah right buddy, only if we have 2 bedrooms and a bucket load of Xanax !

A Lawn Man

Some wives who may read this, have no idea what a lawn man is, so they should stop reading now. But there are some wives who personally know a lawn man and this article is for them. I must warn you that the story you are about to read is sad.
My lawn man just had 10 days off for a spring break. He worked diligently everyday on our lawn, the same lawn that HAD 3 gorgeous evergreen trees.
I find it difficult to even talk about those trees. They were gigantic Christmas trees, fat and happy. I will admit that they owned our front yard. They were incredibly beautiful in the winter when it snowed, as the brances just glistened with icicles and white flakes. They were a breath-taking scene and I loved them. They were shade in the hot summer and totally hid the front of our house, which gave us ultimate privacy. But for some reason, my husband took a disliking to them and all but murdered each one.
It all began with one cedar tree spreading its branches over our driveway. Our cars went right under the branches with room to spare, but my lawn man considered them a hazard of some kind. The trees were rabbit and squirrel homes.
Anyway, my lawn man decided to trim the tree in the driveway and did some insane hacking on it. This proved to be a vast job and he called in the Calvary, the professional lawn men.
I saw my lawn man standing knee deep in branches while he performed his tree killing project. Why?? So he could ride his lawn mower under the tree where there was no grass. Not even weeds grew under those trees.
I came to understand a little of his intimidation of trees in general when last summer while he was mowing the back yard, a huge limb fell down from a 40 foot tree and almost hit him. I believed he called it 'a narrow escape', but I like to think of it as an omen.
But it was much more than that ! I think that trees can talk and the 3 trees in the front yard sent an SOS to the back yard trees. It was a distress call in self defense and the message went like this-he is a tree murderer. Get him before he gets us! This has to be the explanation for the near miss. What are the odds of a huge branch falling from a healthy tree.
Sadly the tree message came too late. I awakened one morning to the sound of a Chain Saw Massacre, not that I ever watched such trash ! I ask you, is there a more annoying noise than a gas-powered chain saw, even more annoying than a paper shredder? I swear he only shreds paper when I walk into the room to have a conversation.
I looked outside and there were 2 mulch trucks and chain saws all over the front lawn. There were at least 4 lawn men standing around watching the limbs fall, like construction men. Do you ever see them work? These lawn men were in a conspiracy to either commit a crime or watch one. And they did-both.
For some reason, I thought my husband had hired them to trim the long branches, not even close. They sawed off every limb on all 3 trees up to 10 feet. I looked out the window in horror at what looked like 3 dark, green mint ice cream cones. My magnificent trees were naked and I cried, after I said things that I will have to repent of.
A zillion limbs had been amputated and in their places were bare wooden holes like fresh wounds and the trees were crying white tears right down to the ground. The gorgeous trees had been mutilated, dismembered, and disfigured. I thought to myself that this is a bad dream and when I wake up, I won't be able to see my neighbor's dog poop on our lawn.
I was devastated, but the deed was done. To further annoy me, my lawn man got all kinds of comliments from our neighbor lawn men. You know how they are, sticking together, thicker than thieves.
Lawn men love nakes trees or should I say NO trees. What was there to love? Maybe my lawn man was happy that the neighbors could watch us eat in our kitchen while they are hopeful to see some table sex.
So this week was spring break and my lawn man went to work preparing the barren ground under the 3 trees for grass growth. For 6 days in a row, he raked, plowed, mashed, and arranged the dirt under the trees so he could plant grass seed in the shade that never sees the sun.
There have been spring breaks where it rained everyday, a cold rain, but not this one.The weather was so nice he even got sunburnt one day. Whats with that?
So instead of doing our income tax, he prioritized his to do list and the naked trees got all his attention. I was shocked by how he worked and was delighted that his back hurt and I was fuming that he was so happy to soon run his lawnmower under the trees. HUH??
It should be against the law to change the natural growth of any tree, unless the roots have encircled the earth and pushed their way up through your bedroom floor and are protruding arrogantly through your mattress.
One of our neighbors was so impressed that he hired the same tree people to butcher his trees. How lucky for me, now I can see his family watching TV in their living room and if I am lucky , I might see some living room sex.
My every move is observable now. That's right, the whole world can see in my house and I hate it.It's not like I have anything to hide, I just want to be able to hide something if I want to, that's all. Is that too much to ask?
But the good news is this, tree murderers will not go unpunished. They deserve whatever is coming to them and it won't be good. I just pray that I live to see it happen.

Love vs Football

We had an interesting winter this year with 2 major snow storms a few days apart, leaving us in 50 inches of snow. But all how beautiful it was to see, not to travel in, but just seeing the purity of the snow. I will always love it.
I stayed at my brother's house for both storms, at that time he needed me. He had just lost the love of his life and he was hurting. The snow was a great distraction and the kids had a blast disappearing in the banks with the dog.
Fortunately for Tim, he knows 'people' who come and clear his death trap of a driveway so he can get out. Of course, they piled it up in front of my car and I had to shovel the tires to get free. My poor husband is not so lucky. He does the driveway clearing himself.
This year he had several obstacles. First the snow blower would not work, so he had to shovel the long driveway with the help of one man child. The second storm came a few days later and his shovel broke and this was of course the last snow shovel in this county.
And so finally I made it back home. My dear little adventurous Max, tried for days to figure out how he could get off the deck and wander in the yard, his domain. He stood on his back legs and peeped as far as he could. My husband shoveled a small area for Max and Peanut (our Chihauhaus so they could use it as their facility). After a few days there must have been 100 turds out there.
Anyway, one day, Max found a way out. He crawled between the railing of the deck near the house where the over head of the roof came to protect the area from snow. The problem was, he couldn't find the wide opening in the one railing and he was stuck by the huge drift of snow.
Ok, so I feel sorry for him and I grabbed a pair of slippers and announced on deaf ears that the dog couldn't get back in. Sadly the Ravens game was on and so there was no acknowledgement of a problem. It wasn't as if they were winning, you know.
So I slowly headed down the side of the house and forgot about the window well, I stepped on it and went crashing inside the well. I lay there flat on my back hoping I hadn't broken anything and poor Max is watching me.
My son tells my husband who jumps up from his chair and TV watching and stood at the door looking at me lying on the deck and poor Max shivering. It was then that he said a few words that I am pretty sure were not in the Bible.
He came out, stepped past me, as I struggled to get out of the well. He rescued the dog and went inside still muttering those same strange words. I finally got out of the well and crawled in the house.
The well is usually covered by the grill, but for whatever reason, the grill was buried in the snow.
I figure a window well cover cost maybe $4 tops. I came into the house expecting some sympathy, instead I got a lecture.
"It took me 3 hrs to landscape that well, "he kept repeating, still no concern over my condition, just the well.
When a wife has to compare her self worth to a window well and loses the comparison, she realizes, it must be over. Where is the love?

The Secret

For many years mental illness and the stereotype that goes with such a big problem was not spoken of by the family. Mental illness was not something to be proud of and is still very difficult to treat. It is not like an infection when a few antibiotics make it go away, it is like a festering wound that no one ever hears about. It is a well kept secret.
For many years as well, substance abuse has taken the same kind of reaction, even from family members. Even though we can't deny it is a disease, we still see it as a menace to the family and we can't figure out why the one in the spiders web just doesn't say no. Ask a cigarette smoker how hard it is to stop smoking. Ask an alcoholic how hard it is to say no to a beer. Ask someone addicted to pain meds how they crave them daily. Ask a person on benzodiazapines to try to face life with its many issues without this pill.
I had a great blessing this weekend. I went to a church in my hometown and got to speak on Worry. The cover of my book on addictions was showing up on the power point. The talk went well and I wasn't used to the applause throughout my talk. I knew then, that I had a job to do.
I was not the key speaker, but afterwards she got up to talk and she asked for raised hands of those women who have or had addiction problems in their family. I looked around and hands went up all over the place. The secrets were out, there was no need to hide them anymore.
The group of about 56 women were all suffering or had suffered such pain as had their loved ones that were caught in the spider's web.
We cried. We were not alone. I spoke on carrying the heavy burden to the cross and leaving it there. We can't fix our broken loved one, only God can.
I have never spoken in front of a group and I was nervous, especially since the topic was also on Martha and Mary and the lady who spoke before me said everything I had written down. So I had to get up and speak sort of cold turkey.
I expressed my concern to my friend next to me, but she touched my hand and said,"God will tell you what to say, don't worry. He will." And He did.
The pastor's wife at the church got up to speak later that day and she told the story of her alcoholic son. We later held one another and cried.
Afterwards, many bought my book and I wrote a note to them as they shared their various stories in tears. We all needed each other that day and we left with a new hope.
I will never forget it.

Drink from the cup !

I have been reading my brother's writings in his wife Lara's blogs. Each day I want to see him, to hold him and make his pain go away, or as he prayed to God at 3am the morning she died, "Father take this cup from me." But he had to drink the cup, it was the plan, one we would ever understand.
Just like his pain and loneliness for his "best friend". They were close, they worked hard to keep their marriage flickering. Oh dear friends, it just doesn't happen, we have to make it work. I am pretty sure that it takes two to make it flourish.
Parenting falls in there somewhere where you have to agree on a course of discipline. More work, more talking, more continuity.
My own father was 35 yrs old with 3 small children when our mother was stricken with TB. She had to go away to Pine Bluff where she had a nervous breakdown and then had to stay with our grandmother while she was in a catatonic state. My Dad kept his job, got outside help, and we as kids will do, tried to kill each other when he was gone to work.
He too would have wanted the cup taken away, to not have to drink, but he drank. It was the plan.
So many times in our lives we just want sorrowing things to just go away and not drink from the cup. Most of us will have to drink. This is what God has decided.
We spend endless hours grieving, little things remind us of the one we lost as if placed there in front of us to cause us more pain. But what we immediately do is cry, we grieve. This is all part of the healing process. Will the pain ever go away? Probably not, but it will not stay in first place, the children have to be taken care of, the church work goes on. Yes my brother had to drink that cup, just as we all will some day. Someday, we will be the one watching a loved one go home, or we will be the one going home. As Tim says, mortality is 100% in humans.
Our day will come. But will we get the send off that Lara got. She gladly gave up her life, kept upbeat, and I know she looked down from Heaven the night of the memorial service and saw the raised hands. I know she smiled and I am sure she cried from joy. This was her life as a pastor's wife, to win souls.
So as time ticks slowly by, Tim will heal. In the meantime, we have to wait and watch as he grows in God's strength.

Spiritual Sister

I don't recall asking for a spiritual sister but I got one just the same, Cathy Dent. God told her that I needed her, a listening ear, a prayer warrior and a person to hold me accountable for what I believed in.
I have always had the tendency to erupt before I think, I gets nuts on the phone, I lose my self-control and she saw it. One day she walked up to me and said this," Chris out, Jesus in". I took a few deep breaths and that is what happened, Chris left and Jesus came to take my place.
Have I reached my goal of a better approach, I am afraid not, but not a day goes by that I do not think of her words, "Chris out, Jesus in."
Now I can take a deep breath and remember her loving words to me. She knew that I was a work in progress, God must have told her. How else could we have been thrown together this way?
I saw her many times when Lara was sick. She rubbed Lara in lotion, she rubbed Lara' s sore legs, she loved on her in a quiet way, like God would do. One day she had to go to work, but Lara was in pain that day, the day before Lara went Home. Cathy didn't want to leave her, she didn't care about work or being late, her concern was for Lara.
Now that we have lost Lara, I feel her concern for me. She checks in on me to make sure that I am letting Jesus in. She is patient and tolerant of me when I fall short. She is forgiving and loving. She is a true spiritual sister and I am so blessed to have her in my life.
I hope she reads this and understands how God was able to use her in my hurting, angry life. My anger that Lara was being taken and my home issues. She was sent to help clean the wounds and mend the broken heart.
Cathy has a testimony that only a few know, but she knows of pain and heartache, she knows of alcohol abuse, she has been there. So God uses her life to mend the broken lives of others.
I don't know what I ever did to deserve her but I thank God for sending her to me. I am never letting her go to far away.
Chris out, Jesus in !!!

When Peace Finally Comes

Last night the 21st of February, I was privileged to be in a memorial service which was a grand memorial for a lady that many loved and admired, my sister-in-law Lara. I didn't know what to expect that night or how my brother Tim would be able to do the service, so I was in for a huge surprise.
First the auditorium was packed, approx 1200 guests to pay our tributes. Her best friends, Christy and Marcy flew in from out of state. They gave touching accounts of how they loved Lara. Then her friends from Mt Oak came and the tears kept coming. Lastly her mom spoke and it was the most beautiful ulogogy I have ever heard, a mom giving a tribute to her 39 year old daughter.
After 14 months, Lara had fought all she could fight and then God called her home Feb 5th, 2010. She is no longer suffering and God took her home to heal her.
I admit that I struggled with the anger phase of her illness, why her? Why take her from her little children and Tim? But last night when Mark and Pat sang the closing song The Holy City, I let my anger go. God had a purpose for Lara's death. The auditorium was packed with people, many did not even attend church. So Tim's message was a mixture of preaching, remembering, and crying. But something he said stuck in my mind- "We are all dying whether we like it or not, but are we ready." Hands were raised all over the church. Lara was in Heaven rejoicing, I am sure of that.
I am sure that Tim will be united with her. I know how his heart aches for her, but seeing those raised hands meant the world to him, soul-saving is his passion as was Lara's.
So after that service last night, I finally found some peace. There was no room for anger, God had a plan and it was for someone in that service or maybe many. We may never know this side of eternity what impact her life had on others.
Now as an Aunt, I plan to spend time with Lara and Tim's kids. I want to be a part of their lives like never before. I owe her that much.
On Saturday the 20th, I got my first opportunity to be that Aunt. My son Stephen and I picked up Nathan and Mark and we went to Glen Burnie to see Wally's girls play basketball. It was a fun time and a new beginning. I was going to be a part of their lives as I always should have been.
The inner peace was slowly coming, the anger was leaving and finally I understood. God had a plan, all along there had been a plan. A time for a family to get closer together, Lara would have loved to have seen that, but maybe she did. Maybe she knows that I am going to hang out with her kids and love them like never before. It was all in a great plan followed by a peace that passes all understanding. It feels so good.