Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Changing Pews
Church going as a child was a long ordeal, 2-3 hrs long. Time meant nothing to evangelists in those days. They didn't care if they ever dismissed the crowd or if you were yawning. They were in the soul-saving business and let's fact it, this takes time.
Oddly enough, there were no bathrooms in the sanctuary. Can you imagine that? Well get this-no got up and walked out to return in a few minutes. It just was not done. We could really hold in those body fluids. Maybe the Coke-Cola, which we rarely drank, was not as lethal on the bladder as it seems to be now.
Or maybe it was the training of the good ole Moms of the 50's. Rules went like this:
1. When you sit on the toilet, you do something.
2. When you sit on a church pew, you do nothing.
Imagine that!!! And all the Moms had the same rules. Anyway the point of this is to try to figure out why there is a constant flow of traffice during the sermon. Do you wonder where everyone is going?
Maybe there is a bake sale in the foyer and it's buy one, get one free. Or maybe there is a sign-up sheet for volunteers of the 4 yr old class for Vacation Bible School, first come , first serve.
Maybe they got a text message from their secret friend, we should be happy their phone was on vibrate.
We all know where they are going-to the bathroom. Someone, somewhere, once upon a time, decided that a sanctuary was not complete without a bathroom and it was so. The concept caught on and pretty soon, all churches had one.
We attended a church once that had a bathroom right out of the Ethan Alan Catalog. There was scented potpouri, Yankie Candles, soft lights, and a beautiful sitting room with early American furniture. I admit that my one visit there (between Sunday school and church) was one of admiration. I didn't want to leave and I wanted to come back. So I don't blame the folks that get caught up in the bliss of the john.
I have wondered though, what does one do in the sitting room? Do you sit there waiting your turn? Does the ladies prayer group hold meetings there? What ???
Moms of this generation have only one rule:
DO NOT USE the bathroom before leaving the house, save it for church !!
I admire the pastors who can stay focused during the peak hour of traffic, oblivious to the congestion of people walking up and down the aisles. I predict that in the near future, a 20 minute sermon will require a 5 minute intermission.
My brother, a pastor, has that focus ability, but this is reasonable since he did his homework in front of the TV. WOW !!!
Anyway, back to the church of today, if I am not distracted by the potty people, then the babies get ready for their show.
Can you imagine expecting a toddler to sit quietly today for a 2-3 hr sermon? Well it can be done, because I did it and I knew what to expect if I didn't.
Churches today do not expect the toddlers to be still, and so the nursery was made and it was good. This is special time where the toddler can destroy the donated toys, exchange viruses, and totally pluck the last nerve of the nursery worker.
The nursery quickly became God's gift to pastors. Moms who dare to bring a little one in for the worship service get an evil eye from on-lookers and try to stare her down until she runs with her child to the nursery.
Good, now we can actually hear the pastor!! Thanks. lady. Sorry, if I hurt your feelings, but your screeching little one is just plain ugly, so there, be gone, and don't come back until you hear the music.
Can we be too surprised when these same little ones that enter kindergarten have no idea that a seat is for sitting or not to talk unless someone tells them to?
I call this generation, the anti-play pen group. My mother knew that play pens were the special things that God gave Mommies, yet the play pen is not used for the toddler today. It is used to store their toys. One mother used it to put the Christmas tree in so her toddler didn't destroy it. Good thinking, now why didn't I think of that?
We were kept in a play pen until we could jump in and out independently and knew better that to eat crickets, we were about 4 yrs old, depending on our coordination skills.
I know that the play pen industry must be suffering. When was the last time you saw a little one in a play pen?
I recall one tired Mom who decided early on, as soon as her toddler, jumped out of the play pen, that it was too dangerous for him. So he explored the house 14 hrs a day with her walking behind him. After getting to know the operator at Poison Control on a first name basis, this Mom was almost committed to Mother-la-la-land.
I recall another Mom of twins with two older kids, who managed to get her housework done and mastered keeping her sanity. She has a secret place that God gave only to her. This was the twins bedroom with a door that locked from the outside. Yep, every afternoon, she locked them in for two hours. The room was baby-proof and she didn't mind that they tore off their diapers and played with them. They practically ripped the room apart, but that is not the point. This is about sanity.
Moms today feel that their children need to explore and express themselves. So sad to think of how my own Mother stunted my exploring phase by putting me in a play pen. Shame on her!
But the traffice aisle people and the babies are not the only distractions, it is the lovey, dovey, couples. My, my, what do they do before coming to church. I see neck rubbing, bra strap caressing, and hands in the others back pockets. They whisper to each other and smile. Well I think they are talking dirty to each other. Shame on them !
But worship is different now, the clothes such as they are, are tight, short, and revealing. Clothes that were once worn by the scamp and the vamp are now church clothes. I wonder what God thinks? Maybe He looks on the inside and is just glad that they came to His house.
Maybe I should sit up front ! That suggestion came from my brother.
Oddly enough, there were no bathrooms in the sanctuary. Can you imagine that? Well get this-no got up and walked out to return in a few minutes. It just was not done. We could really hold in those body fluids. Maybe the Coke-Cola, which we rarely drank, was not as lethal on the bladder as it seems to be now.
Or maybe it was the training of the good ole Moms of the 50's. Rules went like this:
1. When you sit on the toilet, you do something.
2. When you sit on a church pew, you do nothing.
Imagine that!!! And all the Moms had the same rules. Anyway the point of this is to try to figure out why there is a constant flow of traffice during the sermon. Do you wonder where everyone is going?
Maybe there is a bake sale in the foyer and it's buy one, get one free. Or maybe there is a sign-up sheet for volunteers of the 4 yr old class for Vacation Bible School, first come , first serve.
Maybe they got a text message from their secret friend, we should be happy their phone was on vibrate.
We all know where they are going-to the bathroom. Someone, somewhere, once upon a time, decided that a sanctuary was not complete without a bathroom and it was so. The concept caught on and pretty soon, all churches had one.
We attended a church once that had a bathroom right out of the Ethan Alan Catalog. There was scented potpouri, Yankie Candles, soft lights, and a beautiful sitting room with early American furniture. I admit that my one visit there (between Sunday school and church) was one of admiration. I didn't want to leave and I wanted to come back. So I don't blame the folks that get caught up in the bliss of the john.
I have wondered though, what does one do in the sitting room? Do you sit there waiting your turn? Does the ladies prayer group hold meetings there? What ???
Moms of this generation have only one rule:
DO NOT USE the bathroom before leaving the house, save it for church !!
I admire the pastors who can stay focused during the peak hour of traffic, oblivious to the congestion of people walking up and down the aisles. I predict that in the near future, a 20 minute sermon will require a 5 minute intermission.
My brother, a pastor, has that focus ability, but this is reasonable since he did his homework in front of the TV. WOW !!!
Anyway, back to the church of today, if I am not distracted by the potty people, then the babies get ready for their show.
Can you imagine expecting a toddler to sit quietly today for a 2-3 hr sermon? Well it can be done, because I did it and I knew what to expect if I didn't.
Churches today do not expect the toddlers to be still, and so the nursery was made and it was good. This is special time where the toddler can destroy the donated toys, exchange viruses, and totally pluck the last nerve of the nursery worker.
The nursery quickly became God's gift to pastors. Moms who dare to bring a little one in for the worship service get an evil eye from on-lookers and try to stare her down until she runs with her child to the nursery.
Good, now we can actually hear the pastor!! Thanks. lady. Sorry, if I hurt your feelings, but your screeching little one is just plain ugly, so there, be gone, and don't come back until you hear the music.
Can we be too surprised when these same little ones that enter kindergarten have no idea that a seat is for sitting or not to talk unless someone tells them to?
I call this generation, the anti-play pen group. My mother knew that play pens were the special things that God gave Mommies, yet the play pen is not used for the toddler today. It is used to store their toys. One mother used it to put the Christmas tree in so her toddler didn't destroy it. Good thinking, now why didn't I think of that?
We were kept in a play pen until we could jump in and out independently and knew better that to eat crickets, we were about 4 yrs old, depending on our coordination skills.
I know that the play pen industry must be suffering. When was the last time you saw a little one in a play pen?
I recall one tired Mom who decided early on, as soon as her toddler, jumped out of the play pen, that it was too dangerous for him. So he explored the house 14 hrs a day with her walking behind him. After getting to know the operator at Poison Control on a first name basis, this Mom was almost committed to Mother-la-la-land.
I recall another Mom of twins with two older kids, who managed to get her housework done and mastered keeping her sanity. She has a secret place that God gave only to her. This was the twins bedroom with a door that locked from the outside. Yep, every afternoon, she locked them in for two hours. The room was baby-proof and she didn't mind that they tore off their diapers and played with them. They practically ripped the room apart, but that is not the point. This is about sanity.
Moms today feel that their children need to explore and express themselves. So sad to think of how my own Mother stunted my exploring phase by putting me in a play pen. Shame on her!
But the traffice aisle people and the babies are not the only distractions, it is the lovey, dovey, couples. My, my, what do they do before coming to church. I see neck rubbing, bra strap caressing, and hands in the others back pockets. They whisper to each other and smile. Well I think they are talking dirty to each other. Shame on them !
But worship is different now, the clothes such as they are, are tight, short, and revealing. Clothes that were once worn by the scamp and the vamp are now church clothes. I wonder what God thinks? Maybe He looks on the inside and is just glad that they came to His house.
Maybe I should sit up front ! That suggestion came from my brother.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Smitten by the Love Bug
I have to say that the only thing that gets deeper in my craw even deeper than the newsy Christmas letters, is the lovey, dovey, couples. The ones that know when the other had their last bowel movement. As far as I am concerned, that is crossing the line. And frankly, I think it is all a fake, huge cover-up to make you covet their relationship so that you fantasize about life with their spouse. Yeah, it's all a trick of the Devil to get one of your feet in Hell !
I can only imagine life with an attentive man. Let's see now, he would follow me up and down the aisles of WalMart, winking at me as I spend his money. He would demand that I quit work and take naps everyday, so we could rub peanut butter on each other every night. He would insist on helping with the chores and he would hire a housekeeper so we could spend time just looking into each other's eyes with love. He would insist that I get satisfied when we make love, even if he has to do it all night and die trying. Wow, I am getting hot just writing this. (had to take off my sweater)
Just last week at the hospital, I saw a couple that just about made me sick. The patient, who was having a gallbladder attack, was accompanied to her room by her son and daughter-in-law. I had to get the patient ready for surgery so I was in her room for some time. I stepped out to get an IV bag and when I returned the daughter-in-law was sitting on her husband's lap, just as snug as a bug in a rug. They asked me when the patient was going to surgery, as they were debating on the time factor of getting back to Pennsylvania to feed the farm animals. Yeah right, they didn't care about feeding those animals, they just wanted to get home for some rabbit love making, since they hadn't missed a night in their entire marrage. Can you imagine anything being that good?
I looked at the son with wonder in my eyes. He had on a dark shirt with two long white stains on the front, that I'd like to think was toothpaste. He wore dirty jeans and boots and I am pretty sure that he was missing some teeth, but his wife did not see what I saw. He was far from handsome and she was no prize, but they were in love, giggling and hugging, totally disgusting display. When they left, I assumed that they just went out to their truck in the wide open parking lot, just rocking and rolling, not caring who saw them.
I knew they were smitten by the love bug. They were a couple that could not stand for the other to be out of their site. The same kind that couldn't sleep unless they were wrapped around each other. The kind that wouldn't want to live if the other one died. Imagine that !!!
Back in the old days, middle aged men married 15 yr old girls, mere children, and I think I know why. Girls this age never heard of foreplay and so rabbit love making was good to them. In case you are wondering what rabbit love making is, don't ask me, I just made it up.
We saw a movie not too long ago, I forget the name, but there was a quick scene, no nudity, just two upright people clutching at each other in desperation for something. At first, I thought they were fighting and it reminded me of the fight I had with Pansy in the 7th grade.
Anyway, to continue, he backed her flat against the wall and not gently, mind you. No clothes came off, but you could tell what was going on. In about 2 minutes, it must have been over, since they slumped, gasping to the floor almost unconscious from all the joy. For a moment, I thought they had been shot. I am amazed that one of them didn't die from that moment. I have to admit that I was impressed since even a rabbit could not have been any faster.
I think that love-making is only necessary to produce children, and after you have had the worrisome kids, the love-making is over. "It" has served it purpose and "it" should be put down to stay down.
Last week, "a been put down thing" type of patient arrived on our unit. He had minor surgery, the installation of a "thing" prosthesis. Now don't get the wrong picture here, the prosthesis is no an extension of the real "thing", but a device that keeps the old "thing" working like an ever-ready battery.
Being the good nurse that I am, I had to check the post operative site and I admit that I was looking forward to it ! Now let me explain what I saw- the one-eyes snake was neither up or down, it was a betweensy you might say. And it was staring right at me. It had a magic button for the a"right thing time", but I was afraid to look.
So I have come up with a new name for love-making after age 55-pretend love-making where he pretends he is doing it and she pretends she likes it !!!!
I can only imagine life with an attentive man. Let's see now, he would follow me up and down the aisles of WalMart, winking at me as I spend his money. He would demand that I quit work and take naps everyday, so we could rub peanut butter on each other every night. He would insist on helping with the chores and he would hire a housekeeper so we could spend time just looking into each other's eyes with love. He would insist that I get satisfied when we make love, even if he has to do it all night and die trying. Wow, I am getting hot just writing this. (had to take off my sweater)
Just last week at the hospital, I saw a couple that just about made me sick. The patient, who was having a gallbladder attack, was accompanied to her room by her son and daughter-in-law. I had to get the patient ready for surgery so I was in her room for some time. I stepped out to get an IV bag and when I returned the daughter-in-law was sitting on her husband's lap, just as snug as a bug in a rug. They asked me when the patient was going to surgery, as they were debating on the time factor of getting back to Pennsylvania to feed the farm animals. Yeah right, they didn't care about feeding those animals, they just wanted to get home for some rabbit love making, since they hadn't missed a night in their entire marrage. Can you imagine anything being that good?
I looked at the son with wonder in my eyes. He had on a dark shirt with two long white stains on the front, that I'd like to think was toothpaste. He wore dirty jeans and boots and I am pretty sure that he was missing some teeth, but his wife did not see what I saw. He was far from handsome and she was no prize, but they were in love, giggling and hugging, totally disgusting display. When they left, I assumed that they just went out to their truck in the wide open parking lot, just rocking and rolling, not caring who saw them.
I knew they were smitten by the love bug. They were a couple that could not stand for the other to be out of their site. The same kind that couldn't sleep unless they were wrapped around each other. The kind that wouldn't want to live if the other one died. Imagine that !!!
Back in the old days, middle aged men married 15 yr old girls, mere children, and I think I know why. Girls this age never heard of foreplay and so rabbit love making was good to them. In case you are wondering what rabbit love making is, don't ask me, I just made it up.
We saw a movie not too long ago, I forget the name, but there was a quick scene, no nudity, just two upright people clutching at each other in desperation for something. At first, I thought they were fighting and it reminded me of the fight I had with Pansy in the 7th grade.
Anyway, to continue, he backed her flat against the wall and not gently, mind you. No clothes came off, but you could tell what was going on. In about 2 minutes, it must have been over, since they slumped, gasping to the floor almost unconscious from all the joy. For a moment, I thought they had been shot. I am amazed that one of them didn't die from that moment. I have to admit that I was impressed since even a rabbit could not have been any faster.
I think that love-making is only necessary to produce children, and after you have had the worrisome kids, the love-making is over. "It" has served it purpose and "it" should be put down to stay down.
Last week, "a been put down thing" type of patient arrived on our unit. He had minor surgery, the installation of a "thing" prosthesis. Now don't get the wrong picture here, the prosthesis is no an extension of the real "thing", but a device that keeps the old "thing" working like an ever-ready battery.
Being the good nurse that I am, I had to check the post operative site and I admit that I was looking forward to it ! Now let me explain what I saw- the one-eyes snake was neither up or down, it was a betweensy you might say. And it was staring right at me. It had a magic button for the a"right thing time", but I was afraid to look.
So I have come up with a new name for love-making after age 55-pretend love-making where he pretends he is doing it and she pretends she likes it !!!!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
How to Tolerate a New Nurse Manager
1. If you new nurse manager pops in on your unit at any old time, unannounced and not welcome, nothing good will come of it.
2. If she comes up with a uniform color scheme for a shade that totally turns you off and one that you wouldn't be buried in, you should just wear the traditional white which is the color of purity and cleanliness, something you may not have seen for a while. Besides, look on the bright side, the more alike the nurses look, the harder it will be for a patient to identify them in court.
3. If you can't afford new uniforms, just use an old white sheet, cut a hole in the middle of it for your head and tie some white yarn around the waist of the draped sheet. You might look like a nun, and what is wrong with that especially if you work in a Catholic hospital?
4. If she does some serious clock watching and notices that you are late dragging your butt out of your own home to get to work, you might want to set your clocks ahead of time, or you may be in for some serious down time.
5. If she notices your sick calls due to your failing health that springs up at the last minute, you might want to keep a log of doctor visits and have him send her a letter that you are borderline disabled.
6. If she does a surprise visit to your unit in the wee hours of the morning, you might want to check the want ads, since a stick of dynamite is about to go off under your chair.
7. If you are told that there is a reason to believe that you are not giving good nursing care, you might want to make a few good friends on your unit, since you will be desperate for a reference.
8. If you get a poor evaluation from your new manager and you wonder how she got wind of all those negative things she wrote, you had better make a few friends with your patients and beg them to write her a nice letter about your wonderful care to them. You may have to offer them some money in return.
9. If your new manager tells you that some changes are about to occur and she can't share the news, it could be that she is going to do some serious housecleaning to rid her unit of staff members that she feels should have a different profession.
10. If your new manager has her door closed with the lights on, you can not assume that she is not in there and you should perform your duties as if she was right beside you looking over your shoulder like your mother would do.
11. If your new manager tells you that this unit is the filthiest place she has ever seen and that you are a part of the problem, you had better invest in some trash bags from WalMart and put them in your locker along with your own supply of toilet paper, paper towels, soap, and a BJ's size bottle of Kaboom.
12. If your new manager notices food stuck in the keys of your keyboard of the computer, she may assume that you ordered out for Chinese food and eat while you chart. So don't leave her a message telling her that didn't get a 30 minute lunch break.
13. If your new manager walks on your unit unexpectedly and sees you wearing a jacket, she might get the wrong impresssion. She might think that you are cold because you sat too long at your computer doing high-tech nursing skills, that replace your hands on nursing skills.
14. If your new manage sees you with a cell phone at your ear, she might get the wrong impression thinking that you are talking on the phone instead of using the cell phone for an ear muff.
15. If your new manager tells you that she is not familiar with the cell phone policy, you can be sure that she will incorporate her own policy. You might want to talk to your family before you come to work.
16. If she outlaws the cell phone, this will include text messaging as well. If you have time to use your personal phone, then you are not as busy as you claim to be.
17. If she thinks you answer your cell phone at the first ring and you let your patient's call light ring for 10 minutes, she will assume that you have your priorities screwed up.
18. If she tells you the unit patient satisfaction is at an all time low, you can bet she was hired to fix the problem. If you are worried, then you should be.
19. If your new manage takes on the nick name of Ice Pick, then maybe that is why she was hired. She is not here to be your friend and if I were you, I would try to stay on her good side.
2. If she comes up with a uniform color scheme for a shade that totally turns you off and one that you wouldn't be buried in, you should just wear the traditional white which is the color of purity and cleanliness, something you may not have seen for a while. Besides, look on the bright side, the more alike the nurses look, the harder it will be for a patient to identify them in court.
3. If you can't afford new uniforms, just use an old white sheet, cut a hole in the middle of it for your head and tie some white yarn around the waist of the draped sheet. You might look like a nun, and what is wrong with that especially if you work in a Catholic hospital?
4. If she does some serious clock watching and notices that you are late dragging your butt out of your own home to get to work, you might want to set your clocks ahead of time, or you may be in for some serious down time.
5. If she notices your sick calls due to your failing health that springs up at the last minute, you might want to keep a log of doctor visits and have him send her a letter that you are borderline disabled.
6. If she does a surprise visit to your unit in the wee hours of the morning, you might want to check the want ads, since a stick of dynamite is about to go off under your chair.
7. If you are told that there is a reason to believe that you are not giving good nursing care, you might want to make a few good friends on your unit, since you will be desperate for a reference.
8. If you get a poor evaluation from your new manager and you wonder how she got wind of all those negative things she wrote, you had better make a few friends with your patients and beg them to write her a nice letter about your wonderful care to them. You may have to offer them some money in return.
9. If your new manager tells you that some changes are about to occur and she can't share the news, it could be that she is going to do some serious housecleaning to rid her unit of staff members that she feels should have a different profession.
10. If your new manager has her door closed with the lights on, you can not assume that she is not in there and you should perform your duties as if she was right beside you looking over your shoulder like your mother would do.
11. If your new manager tells you that this unit is the filthiest place she has ever seen and that you are a part of the problem, you had better invest in some trash bags from WalMart and put them in your locker along with your own supply of toilet paper, paper towels, soap, and a BJ's size bottle of Kaboom.
12. If your new manager notices food stuck in the keys of your keyboard of the computer, she may assume that you ordered out for Chinese food and eat while you chart. So don't leave her a message telling her that didn't get a 30 minute lunch break.
13. If your new manager walks on your unit unexpectedly and sees you wearing a jacket, she might get the wrong impresssion. She might think that you are cold because you sat too long at your computer doing high-tech nursing skills, that replace your hands on nursing skills.
14. If your new manage sees you with a cell phone at your ear, she might get the wrong impression thinking that you are talking on the phone instead of using the cell phone for an ear muff.
15. If your new manager tells you that she is not familiar with the cell phone policy, you can be sure that she will incorporate her own policy. You might want to talk to your family before you come to work.
16. If she outlaws the cell phone, this will include text messaging as well. If you have time to use your personal phone, then you are not as busy as you claim to be.
17. If she thinks you answer your cell phone at the first ring and you let your patient's call light ring for 10 minutes, she will assume that you have your priorities screwed up.
18. If she tells you the unit patient satisfaction is at an all time low, you can bet she was hired to fix the problem. If you are worried, then you should be.
19. If your new manage takes on the nick name of Ice Pick, then maybe that is why she was hired. She is not here to be your friend and if I were you, I would try to stay on her good side.
Friday, October 9, 2009
The Flip Side
This past week, I added two more skittles to my over-crowded medicine bin. I can no longer poke fun at the needy, sick people since God has punished me severely for those bad thoughts and has placed me on a bed of affliction. I know, its all my fault and I am going to have to repent of those sins down the road, I think.
I have joined the other side. I no longer care for the sick, I am the sick. I am the flip side of being well. I have crossed over and joined the whiny. I now date Ben Gay. How sad!
I am the one on hold for the doctor's office. I am the one waiting for weeks for test results. I am the one in the dark, never knowing what is going on in my own body. I have concluded that health professionals are on a mission impossible to see if their sad neglect of a sick person will cause that person more health problems and thus pay for someone's yacht.
I am on the assembly line trying to talk to desk people who are more concerned about the HIPAA paperwork, than an abnormal EKG. They peer at me and request the co-pay and the referral before they let me sign in. They reach for my insurance card and my driver's license. HUH?? I am given 6 pages or more of needless questions that no one reads and each page has at least one question that was on the previous page.
After the paperwork, I am told to go sit down, where I wait with the other zillion sick people, who are entranced by a huge TV with two women having a cat fight on the Jerry Springer show.
I try not to notice that the "others" are old and gray with hearing aides, walkers, and portable O2. They look sick, poor things and I wonder how they got to the doctor's office. Did they drive? Heaven forbid!
Finally my name is called and I get ushered into a cold examining room where a gown is tossed to me and I am told to disrobe. Slam, she is gone. And so I do as I am told and sit on a paper table cloth, like that prevents the spread of germs somehow.
How many times have I told my patients,"the doctor will be in soon?" Soon, in doctor time, could be an hour or more. Soon, is after awhile, or later, or whenever. And I just wish I could go home and be a well person again like I used to be, but instead I have to content myself to sit and wait, while I freeze and pray that there is a magical pill to make me well again.
The door finally opens and the doctor enters the room with no apology for sucking up my whole day from work for one-15 minute office visit. He gets a phone call as he glances over my chart and there are several knocks on the door, interruptions that can't be avoided. It's not like I was having a manicure where I am the sole focus of people who don't speak English and the charge is about 1/100th less.
He takes the time to listen to my heart which I am there complaining about due to skipped beats, and gallop beats, but as bad luck would have it, my heart is in perfect rhythm which plays down my need for his immediate attention and I am put in a pile of not-so-urgent complainers. Whatever was wrong with me can wait until later! In the meantime, I can go see another specialist and repeat the whole process again if I am desperate enough, which I am not!
I tried to remember how this episode of illness took place. Perhaps, it was my own fault for putting my health on the back burner, or maybe I just waited until I had 3 ailments like I do with the plumber. You know you can save money this way, since they charge for entering your home.
I do remember telling my primary doctor that I felt dizzy at times. This little complaint sent me to an ENT doctor for a load of tests. I was then referred to a neurologist who had no idea why I was sent to him and he kindly referred me to a neurosurgeon. The neurosurgeon was unimpressed with my poor balance, especially since I had not caused an accident with a 20 car pile up on the beltway and had not fallen onto my patient's bed at work.
Sadly another health issue erupted and I had an echocardiogram that showed a severe leaking mitral valve in my heart, but it must not have been too bad, since I didn't get the report until 12 days later. I was sent to a cardiologist, who reviewed the echo, but the tech left out one part of the report and he couldn't decide if I needed heart surgery or not. I was told to wait a few months and have the test repeated.
No wonder health costs are sky-rocketing!
Then my back pain issues surfaced its ugly head. I became on a first name basis with the xray tech. I had 2 MRIs, a spine xray, and an abdominal CT. I had 3 visits to the orthopedic MD and weeks of PT. I still feel like a walker would be nice.
It became apparent that my bedside nursing days were over. So I am trying to write something that will sell like the Harry Potter books.
See the attached Ad- Work Needed !
Nurse available, Will work for money. Dependable. Seeks a used walker. Would prefer to work in an environment where people talk loud. Wears a back brace for lifting anything heavier than her purse. Would like a retirement plan, but will not be able to retire for 10 more years. Might need a mitral valve replaced, but I am sure it can be done on an out-patient basis, hopefully on a Saturday. Thank you, Aging Nurse.
P.S. Update, the mitral valve has been replaced. Now I just fall alot and am on a blood-thinner, but I doubt if I will fall at work !
I have joined the other side. I no longer care for the sick, I am the sick. I am the flip side of being well. I have crossed over and joined the whiny. I now date Ben Gay. How sad!
I am the one on hold for the doctor's office. I am the one waiting for weeks for test results. I am the one in the dark, never knowing what is going on in my own body. I have concluded that health professionals are on a mission impossible to see if their sad neglect of a sick person will cause that person more health problems and thus pay for someone's yacht.
I am on the assembly line trying to talk to desk people who are more concerned about the HIPAA paperwork, than an abnormal EKG. They peer at me and request the co-pay and the referral before they let me sign in. They reach for my insurance card and my driver's license. HUH?? I am given 6 pages or more of needless questions that no one reads and each page has at least one question that was on the previous page.
After the paperwork, I am told to go sit down, where I wait with the other zillion sick people, who are entranced by a huge TV with two women having a cat fight on the Jerry Springer show.
I try not to notice that the "others" are old and gray with hearing aides, walkers, and portable O2. They look sick, poor things and I wonder how they got to the doctor's office. Did they drive? Heaven forbid!
Finally my name is called and I get ushered into a cold examining room where a gown is tossed to me and I am told to disrobe. Slam, she is gone. And so I do as I am told and sit on a paper table cloth, like that prevents the spread of germs somehow.
How many times have I told my patients,"the doctor will be in soon?" Soon, in doctor time, could be an hour or more. Soon, is after awhile, or later, or whenever. And I just wish I could go home and be a well person again like I used to be, but instead I have to content myself to sit and wait, while I freeze and pray that there is a magical pill to make me well again.
The door finally opens and the doctor enters the room with no apology for sucking up my whole day from work for one-15 minute office visit. He gets a phone call as he glances over my chart and there are several knocks on the door, interruptions that can't be avoided. It's not like I was having a manicure where I am the sole focus of people who don't speak English and the charge is about 1/100th less.
He takes the time to listen to my heart which I am there complaining about due to skipped beats, and gallop beats, but as bad luck would have it, my heart is in perfect rhythm which plays down my need for his immediate attention and I am put in a pile of not-so-urgent complainers. Whatever was wrong with me can wait until later! In the meantime, I can go see another specialist and repeat the whole process again if I am desperate enough, which I am not!
I tried to remember how this episode of illness took place. Perhaps, it was my own fault for putting my health on the back burner, or maybe I just waited until I had 3 ailments like I do with the plumber. You know you can save money this way, since they charge for entering your home.
I do remember telling my primary doctor that I felt dizzy at times. This little complaint sent me to an ENT doctor for a load of tests. I was then referred to a neurologist who had no idea why I was sent to him and he kindly referred me to a neurosurgeon. The neurosurgeon was unimpressed with my poor balance, especially since I had not caused an accident with a 20 car pile up on the beltway and had not fallen onto my patient's bed at work.
Sadly another health issue erupted and I had an echocardiogram that showed a severe leaking mitral valve in my heart, but it must not have been too bad, since I didn't get the report until 12 days later. I was sent to a cardiologist, who reviewed the echo, but the tech left out one part of the report and he couldn't decide if I needed heart surgery or not. I was told to wait a few months and have the test repeated.
No wonder health costs are sky-rocketing!
Then my back pain issues surfaced its ugly head. I became on a first name basis with the xray tech. I had 2 MRIs, a spine xray, and an abdominal CT. I had 3 visits to the orthopedic MD and weeks of PT. I still feel like a walker would be nice.
It became apparent that my bedside nursing days were over. So I am trying to write something that will sell like the Harry Potter books.
See the attached Ad- Work Needed !
Nurse available, Will work for money. Dependable. Seeks a used walker. Would prefer to work in an environment where people talk loud. Wears a back brace for lifting anything heavier than her purse. Would like a retirement plan, but will not be able to retire for 10 more years. Might need a mitral valve replaced, but I am sure it can be done on an out-patient basis, hopefully on a Saturday. Thank you, Aging Nurse.
P.S. Update, the mitral valve has been replaced. Now I just fall alot and am on a blood-thinner, but I doubt if I will fall at work !
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Face Book
Hi friends that have found me already. I now have a facebook using my pen name, Christine R. Webster. I will be giving you updates on my books, especially the one that will be out in December. If you know anyone with a substance abuse problem or if you are dealing with it , just let me know and I can order a book for you. I will even sign it as if that really matters. The books are both under my pen name C.R.Webster.
How to Prevent Nurse Burn-Out
1. If your new direct admission pt does not have their long boring history on paper with a detailed medication list, send them back home to get it.
2. If your pt brings you a weekly medicine holder that is jammed with pills that look like colored skittles and they have no idea why they are taking so many pills, just send the pills and container home and give them a medicine cup full of M & Ms. This placebo affect works wonders.
3. If your patient tells you that they have a living will and that a copy is on record, tell them that by the time you find it, they could formulate a new one.
4. If you go in your patients room to apply a purple (NO CODE) bracelet and the patient doesn't know what you are talking about, just tell them the bracelet is a Lance Armstrong tribute and that it matches the cyanosis of their nail beds.
5. If a doctor is trying to find you, it's probably not a good thing and you should hide, but not in the linen closet as he may get the wrong idea.
6. Don't argue the pain score with your patients, since someone told them that the higher the score, the greater the dose of narcotic they will receive. Remember that sedated patients are low maintenance.
7. If you attempt to give an IV narcotic and the patient asks you to "shoot it in fast like the other nurse did", don't act surprised or tell them about protocols. This is all about the patient feeling good and improving patient satisfaction.
8. Try your best to confuse your patient, by NOT changing the date on the board in their room and don't ever put your real name up there, since this could be used against you in a court of law. Just put the name of a nurse you don't particularly like and let her take the heat.
9. If you have less than 6 patients, the supervisor will go out to the front of the hospital and drag in some construction workers to fill up your empty beds.
10. If your patient is admitted to rule out C-Diff, this is a guarantee that they will never had another BM !!
11. If you see someone in Isolation in a yellow gown reach out of the room for something on the cart, you have to assume they are following the isolation technique just like the doctor who wasn't wearing even a yellow gown.
12. If you get called to the phone more than twice in a 12 hr shift to talk to family members who prefer to call instead of visiting their loved one, just have the secretary play a generic tape to all of them, "Stable and snoring !"
13. If you are amazed about the sitting down time of some of your co-workers, just ask them if you can shadow with them for a day or so to learn the tricks of the trade. At least, you will get to eat.
2. If your pt brings you a weekly medicine holder that is jammed with pills that look like colored skittles and they have no idea why they are taking so many pills, just send the pills and container home and give them a medicine cup full of M & Ms. This placebo affect works wonders.
3. If your patient tells you that they have a living will and that a copy is on record, tell them that by the time you find it, they could formulate a new one.
4. If you go in your patients room to apply a purple (NO CODE) bracelet and the patient doesn't know what you are talking about, just tell them the bracelet is a Lance Armstrong tribute and that it matches the cyanosis of their nail beds.
5. If a doctor is trying to find you, it's probably not a good thing and you should hide, but not in the linen closet as he may get the wrong idea.
6. Don't argue the pain score with your patients, since someone told them that the higher the score, the greater the dose of narcotic they will receive. Remember that sedated patients are low maintenance.
7. If you attempt to give an IV narcotic and the patient asks you to "shoot it in fast like the other nurse did", don't act surprised or tell them about protocols. This is all about the patient feeling good and improving patient satisfaction.
8. Try your best to confuse your patient, by NOT changing the date on the board in their room and don't ever put your real name up there, since this could be used against you in a court of law. Just put the name of a nurse you don't particularly like and let her take the heat.
9. If you have less than 6 patients, the supervisor will go out to the front of the hospital and drag in some construction workers to fill up your empty beds.
10. If your patient is admitted to rule out C-Diff, this is a guarantee that they will never had another BM !!
11. If you see someone in Isolation in a yellow gown reach out of the room for something on the cart, you have to assume they are following the isolation technique just like the doctor who wasn't wearing even a yellow gown.
12. If you get called to the phone more than twice in a 12 hr shift to talk to family members who prefer to call instead of visiting their loved one, just have the secretary play a generic tape to all of them, "Stable and snoring !"
13. If you are amazed about the sitting down time of some of your co-workers, just ask them if you can shadow with them for a day or so to learn the tricks of the trade. At least, you will get to eat.
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