Rub a Dub Dub

This is not my usual make fun of people type of article, but is, in fact, a topic of a serious nature. And I have felt the need to write it, just to get some feed-back, hopefully positive, because I have some big issues to address.
First, let me just say this- I have been going to church since I was in the womb, approximately 59 years, give or take a few months. Keeping this in mind, you might think that I have seen everything imaginable in church. But lately, I have had seen some new church activity that I need to talk over with someone. So if you are reading this, you are that someone !! Thanks !!
I know these things must be new, because when I was growing up in church, I never saw such things. Maybe I was too young to notice, or maybe now, I am too easily distracted.
Church goers seem to be an affectionate bunch, young and old alike. So much, that I have been drawn into their private time, causing me to lose focus on the sermon.
Sometime last year, I got my first dose of distraction. I was sitting in the back with my husband and 2 boys. At our far left was a very, loving, couple. She stood facing the front of the church, swaying with what I thought was the music and her partner was standing facing her with one of his thighs on the front part of her leg and his other thigh on the back part of her leg. You can only imagine what part of him was hitting her hip bone. He had his right hand in her back pocket as he too swayed with the music. So when he sang, even though I doubted he was singing, he was facing her ear. Sounds romantic, don't you think?
Well all four of us noticed the couple. We tried not to look, but it was right there waiting for us to see them and react. I tried not to look at my boys, but all four of us had our heads turned to our left. Then the man noticed we were giggling and that only seemed to turn him on more. His right hand left her pocket and he went into a rhythmic rub all over her bra line, as if he was looking for a discreet way to unlatch her bra, so her beautiful boobs could sway with the music in the tight sweater she was wearing.
A few weeks ago, we spotted another loving couple. This time, the woman was the rubber and the man was the rubee. He was trying to listen to the sermon and she was totally focused on the back of his neck. She rubbed one side and then the other, then she moved from shoulder to shoulder, all horizontal. Then she switched to vertical movements and ended up with a little caress of his ear lobe. He pretended not to notice the affection, but we saw it. They were directly in front of us and even as I looked up at the over-head projections, I could still see the rubbing action. Finally, I just gave in and focused on the real deal, and that was most certainly, the rub-a-dub people.
During the distraction time, I scanned the room and it felt like the days when I was a teenager in the movie theatre. Guys had their arms around their girls. There was whispering and caressing and why not, it was dark and no one ever knew who you were, not that I ever did such things.
But am I the only one that thinks that church is more sacred than the theatre? Maybe we should just turn off the lights and just let them climb all over each other and get it over with. At least, I wouldn't be distracted by them afterwards and could actually focus on the real reason that I came to church.
I think that these couples have put a hurting on the soft, porno industry, not that I ever saw a porno flic and besides, I can just see what I need to see in Sunday morning worship.
Next, the whisperers. My, what do they think of to say in church. They get really close and I doubt if they are discussing the sermon, which is outlined on the over-head. So I have concluded that they are talking about something totally unrelated to church. And whatever it is, the one receiving the whispering words finds something to smile about. Then there is eye contact and more smiling. If prayer in church lasted longer, they could probably just get "it" done right there on the pew.