Spiritual Sister

I don't recall asking for a spiritual sister but I got one just the same, Cathy Dent. God told her that I needed her, a listening ear, a prayer warrior and a person to hold me accountable for what I believed in.
I have always had the tendency to erupt before I think, I gets nuts on the phone, I lose my self-control and she saw it. One day she walked up to me and said this," Chris out, Jesus in". I took a few deep breaths and that is what happened, Chris left and Jesus came to take my place.
Have I reached my goal of a better approach, I am afraid not, but not a day goes by that I do not think of her words, "Chris out, Jesus in."
Now I can take a deep breath and remember her loving words to me. She knew that I was a work in progress, God must have told her. How else could we have been thrown together this way?
I saw her many times when Lara was sick. She rubbed Lara in lotion, she rubbed Lara' s sore legs, she loved on her in a quiet way, like God would do. One day she had to go to work, but Lara was in pain that day, the day before Lara went Home. Cathy didn't want to leave her, she didn't care about work or being late, her concern was for Lara.
Now that we have lost Lara, I feel her concern for me. She checks in on me to make sure that I am letting Jesus in. She is patient and tolerant of me when I fall short. She is forgiving and loving. She is a true spiritual sister and I am so blessed to have her in my life.
I hope she reads this and understands how God was able to use her in my hurting, angry life. My anger that Lara was being taken and my home issues. She was sent to help clean the wounds and mend the broken heart.
Cathy has a testimony that only a few know, but she knows of pain and heartache, she knows of alcohol abuse, she has been there. So God uses her life to mend the broken lives of others.
I don't know what I ever did to deserve her but I thank God for sending her to me. I am never letting her go to far away.
Chris out, Jesus in !!!

When Peace Finally Comes

Last night the 21st of February, I was privileged to be in a memorial service which was a grand memorial for a lady that many loved and admired, my sister-in-law Lara. I didn't know what to expect that night or how my brother Tim would be able to do the service, so I was in for a huge surprise.
First the auditorium was packed, approx 1200 guests to pay our tributes. Her best friends, Christy and Marcy flew in from out of state. They gave touching accounts of how they loved Lara. Then her friends from Mt Oak came and the tears kept coming. Lastly her mom spoke and it was the most beautiful ulogogy I have ever heard, a mom giving a tribute to her 39 year old daughter.
After 14 months, Lara had fought all she could fight and then God called her home Feb 5th, 2010. She is no longer suffering and God took her home to heal her.
I admit that I struggled with the anger phase of her illness, why her? Why take her from her little children and Tim? But last night when Mark and Pat sang the closing song The Holy City, I let my anger go. God had a purpose for Lara's death. The auditorium was packed with people, many did not even attend church. So Tim's message was a mixture of preaching, remembering, and crying. But something he said stuck in my mind- "We are all dying whether we like it or not, but are we ready." Hands were raised all over the church. Lara was in Heaven rejoicing, I am sure of that.
I am sure that Tim will be united with her. I know how his heart aches for her, but seeing those raised hands meant the world to him, soul-saving is his passion as was Lara's.
So after that service last night, I finally found some peace. There was no room for anger, God had a plan and it was for someone in that service or maybe many. We may never know this side of eternity what impact her life had on others.
Now as an Aunt, I plan to spend time with Lara and Tim's kids. I want to be a part of their lives like never before. I owe her that much.
On Saturday the 20th, I got my first opportunity to be that Aunt. My son Stephen and I picked up Nathan and Mark and we went to Glen Burnie to see Wally's girls play basketball. It was a fun time and a new beginning. I was going to be a part of their lives as I always should have been.
The inner peace was slowly coming, the anger was leaving and finally I understood. God had a plan, all along there had been a plan. A time for a family to get closer together, Lara would have loved to have seen that, but maybe she did. Maybe she knows that I am going to hang out with her kids and love them like never before. It was all in a great plan followed by a peace that passes all understanding. It feels so good.

Walking in Paradise

February 5th, 2010, Lara left her earthy tent and went to walk in Paradise. The grave side service had to be delayed due to the massive snow. Finally Feb. 12th at 2:30 pm the service out in the snow and mud was conducted by my brother,Tim, in his grief for his loss of not only the mother of his children, but his best friend.
He spoke to his children, reminding them that "Mommy lived in a tent" like we all do and the tent eventually wastes away, but "Mommy is not in her tent now, she is in Paradise". We had to visualize that she was the beautiful woman God created, with her beautiful smile, long thick hair, and vibrant personality. We had to visualize that she was talking and walking on the streets of gold. Tim spoke on that vision of how much he wanted to go there with her or if "our Lord would come back now". I could feel the chill bumps, not from the cold but from the presence of God. This would be the beginning of all of us seeing the hand of God touch a family.
The casket was not lowered in the ground. We all went back to Tim's. The whole atmosphere changed, Neil went out for pizza and drinks, Wally's girls played with Tim's kids and we talked and laughed a lot and cried some. But this was just going to be the beginning of the celebration.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, a special day for Tim and Lara. How many couples can say that the one they love is walking in Paradise? Tim is dealing with his pain in his own quiet way and my heart is bursting to hold him and make the pain go away. But that will take time as he waits to see his sweetheart once again.
Next Sunday, we will have the celebration/memorial service for Lara in the largest auditorium in this area, in Westminster High School. 1000 people are expected, since two churches are involved and schools and colleges where Lara did signing for the deaf.
There will be a DVD of Lara's life and her marriage, along with the children and special events. There will be special music and singing as we honor her with our last farewells. The night will be special to everyone that loved Lara. Tim will be conducting the service, only God can give him the strength to say what he needs to say.
Lara was taken for a reason, that none of us will ever understand on this side of Heaven, but miracles will start to unfold, as lives are touched by not only believers but unbelievers as well.
After the ceremony, Tim plans to get the lives of his children and his home back on track. There will be no outside cleaning volunteers, or laundry people such as me and mother, no food brought in, the little family is going to band together and make the house the same home it always was. Sunflowers are all over the place in the house, as this was Lara's favorite. Lara is all over the house , in every corner, and especially in her daughter Rebekah, who looks just like her.
Life will go on and many of us will forget, but a few of us will stay around to remember Tim's pain. We will be there if he needs help, that's what families are for.
Today I went out to get a Valentine's card and a gift for my husband, something I haven't done is a very long time. When I give it to him, I will tell him that I love him, words that are long over-due.

Letting Go

How easy it is for those of us who have not suffered such a loss as my brother this past week. We have all known for a year that God was taking Lara home. What we didn't know and will not know on this side of eternity-WHY? My heart cries out to God for answers, for some hidden meaning, but I just look at my brother and his three young children and I see no answers.
But what I have seen is the out-pouring of love from a church. Meals have been coming on a regular basis for months. The house has been cleaned. The kids got hair cuts, all volunteering. There were many friends that sat with Lara that last month in her home. People were always asking, "what can I do?" The driveway was always plowed and the cars cleaned off. The whole church feft my brother's pain and this was obvious in the giving from their heart for a hurting family. Tim was their pastor and he spent many hours tending to the needs of others, this time he needed them and they were there for him. I have never seen such love in all my life.
Today due to the snow storms, we will have a family graveside ceremony. It will be a small gathering of loved ones, Lara's children, her parents, her sister and husband and of course Tim's brothers and me. Oh how I wish I could hold him and ease his pain, but I know he has to go down this road alone.
I do not understand his hurting, since I have not been there. Only those who have lost a beloved mate and best friend can begin to understand.
I 'weathered the storm' with Tim, actually 2 snow storms. I got to hold him, but there was little talking. Words were not important, it was the closeness of a sister to her brother.
As he said,"Lara is all over this house". And how true that is, it was her home that she decorated like she wanted to. Her daughter, Rebekah, looks exactly like her mom and has a similar personality. Mark is the youngest and his Dad is his best friend, they hang tight. Nathan, the oldest, is quiet like his Dad.
The snow kept all company away, the days were full of games, but then the sun went down and there was the deafening silence where even I felt the loss of one who was capable of lighting up a room by her presence. She was a devoted mother and pastor's wife.
Lara and Tim took in the homeless, the lost, and the needy. Their kids were moved out of their bedrooms to accomodate the strangers. Lara stood by Tim's request, no matter what they were, she was next to him to support and encourage. She was his best friend.
The final celebration of her life will be Sunday the 21st at Westminster HS auditorium, a place large enough to hold all the lives that she has touched, family and friends. There will be a DVD of her life and marriage. We will see the woman she truly was, some of us for the first time.
So through all this suffering, Tim has busied himself with his kids. They adore him and God was merciful to the kids by giving them such a loving father.
Now he will assume two roles as a mom is missing from their lives. Do they think of her at night when all is quiet, do they miss the strict TV rules, yes I am sure they do? They have inner pain and need our love and affection to get them through these trying times.
Next week, school will be open again, we hope , and that distraction will be good for the kids, but Tim will be in his office alone. He will have time to cry out to God and let go.
I was blessed to be with her when she took her last breath and God gave me the courage to give her the last dose of pain medicine. Her hard breathing became relaxed. We woke the children and her parents, along with my mother and we silently watched as God took Lara home to heal her there. Lara's mom sang Amazing Grace, Wally read from the Bible and oh the tears.
She is home with our Lord now, she has her long hair back, her brilliant smile, her vibrant personality, and she can talk, clearly. I look forward to seeing her that way again. This is the hope we have, that God takes us home and fixes us, rids us of disease and cancer, a place of peace.
And so Lara, we never got close as good friends, and I will always regret that, but I promise you, I will be the best Aunt your kids will ever know. I will not forget my brother's breaking heart or your lonely children. Just like I took care of your dog last year, and just like I gave you the resting medication you needed, I will rise up and take care of your children when I can. I will watch their games and we will stay close. I can't undo the years that I chose to stay away, as I was dealing with issues in my own home, but I can make it up now and I will.
When you see Dad in Heaven say "I love you" to him and that "I miss him."

Let it Snow !!

I have to say that I have missed driving to and from work in the dark in a blizzard, but I am happy to report that the snow road rules came back to haunt me.
In hill country, the rules are a little different. You see, a car is far more likely to slide sideways so the hills become treacherous to some, but others like sliding sideways and try desperately to hit my car as I cruise along at 20 miles per hour on icey roads in a blizzard.
I left my brother's house before dark, a typically 20 minute ride which turned into a one hour drive. There were people going everywhere, where were they going?
The snow plows were jet speeding down the road, tossing snow like fog all over my car so I couldn't see.
Others were passing me, since I was obviously driving too slow and they had to get somewhere in a hurry on a Saturday at 4pm, what was with that??
One man in a truck was zig zagging down the highway, totally out of control. He didn't seem to notice that he was slipping or that it was snowing.
Cars were trying to turn corners and kept right on turning. I have to admit, I was more than scared. And kept asking myself, where were they going for crying out loud?
I know that I had to be on the highway, since I was trying to help my brother with his sick wife and yes I had to go home. But all those other people, what were they doing.??? Besides trying to kill me, I have no idea.
I dared not apply the brakes, but going downhill, a car kind of does its own thing. So I was meeting the oncoming traffic with one little line separating us. One little slip and my poor Sam would have been a crumbled cookie. And yes I care more for Sam than I do me. I always have. But even with her 4 wheel drive, I felt as if I was driving on iceskates.
There were lanes of traffic and no one could see the lines on the roads. We were in a snow emergency mode and that little fact seems to cause people to get out of their warm little houses and drive nowhere. What are they thinking and where are they going???
Cars were in ditches and tow trucks were everywhere,along with police cars with lights flashing. There were fender benders and accidents all around. Yes the snow was beautiful but I really only could think of living to get home and drive out in that white stuff again.
Sam loved it, it was our first big ride in the snow since I bought her in 2004. But since she needs new tires she is not on top of her game. You can't blame that on her, poor thing. She drove like I walk as if I have no treads on my shoes.
It was of little comfort to me to see that people still drive like idiots and dare devils. When a snow emergency plan is in effect, only necessary vehicles are supposed to be on the road. You would have thought it was Christmas Eve and everyone had last minute shopping to do.
Well now I sit here in mynice warm little house and I may never drive in a blizzard again. I am getting too old for this game. Instead of humming Christmas Caroles like Let it Snow, I was praying, Please God, just let me live another hour to get home!!!!

Time is Short

Oh how powerful those three words are, for all of us. I have watched the slow deterioration of my sister-in-law, my youngest brother Tim's wife, mother of three young children.
I went through all the grieving processes eventually, but I got hung up in the anger response. I was full of questions, why my brother, why such sadness on a rare happy marriage, why three children will not have their mother, why didn't God just fix it.???
And so I hung in this phase for months. The anger was misplaced and going nowhere. No I got to sit back and observe the tragedy about to hit my brother and his family.
The Ravens game was on, there was yelling, laughing, screaming , eating, talking and having fun. My brother wants life to go on as usual.
At first, I misunderstood this as some kind of denial. Now I perceive it as a man who loves his wife and children enough to keep life going on, even as we will lose our Lara.
Lara was full of laughter and always finding time to play with her children. She was and is a good mother to them. How will the children come to terms with the lose? I presume that their lives will go on, they will play sports, attend school, and go to church with their friends. This is what she would have wanted.
In their living room are amazing portraits taken at the beginning of her illness, around January last year. There is no sign of sickness, just a happy,loving family. You have to look very closely to see the pain in Lara's eyes. She knew that time was short.
Now I think back to day she called me to invite me to go with her on a retreat, but I declined, I was "too busy". I think back to the day that Tim and Lara invited my husband and me via a letter in my brother's handwriting to go on a marriage retreat, we were "too busy". Oh to go back in time and make the time, for time is too short. Find the time to love on your family even when you are "too busy" even when they don't deserve it.
She is home now with Hospice care and surrounded by love from friends and family. After a special church prayer vigil, she started to drink and eat. Her right side is still paralysed and her speech is garbled at times, but she has a way of making her wants known. Friends have dashed out of the house for cold cappachino, red velvet cake, or whatever she wanted. Even if it wasn't the right word, they got it just the same.
The dog, Junie, likes to lie next to her, trying to comfort as only dogs can do.
God has not taken Lara yet, but when he does we know she is going to be finally healed. She will talk and walk, she will be free.
If my brother can see this as a celebration, then so can I. We will celebrate her freedom from this earthy disease. We will celebrate her life and she will hear us tell jokes and stories about her.
Yes, time is short. Only a few of us are privileged to know how much time we have left on this earth. But God has blessed the Webster family. They know time is short and they are making the best of it.
Take time to thank God for each day that you wake up and feel good. For tomorrow may not be so good. I believe that only special people get to know that they have been given special time. A time to say goodbye for now.
A few days ago, I got to lay beside her in her bed. I was hesitate to touch her as my hands are so cold and she hates that, who doesn't?? I looked at her and said, "I know I haven't said it enough, or maybe not at all, but I do love you!" She squeezed my hand. I thank God for that moment. Some of us will not get that time.
Say what you want to say to others now. Ask forgiveness. Tell someone you love them. Forget the anger over the years that doesn't help anyone. Take time now, for time is short.

Newsy Christmas Letter 09

Wow, this is the worst ever, no letter prior to Christmas. Have you ever heard of someone being that busy? And it gets worse, Chris never got her bathroooms clean. For the love of Heaven!
But Christmas came just the same with all the food preparing, the family time, over eating, church time and tons of gifts. Speaking of gifts, Chris is typing on her new Dell now. Sadly, it is smarter than Chris, so she have named her lap top, Geni girl, short for genious.
What are the chances of a lap top dying right in the early morning of Christmas? Good thing that Santa had a new one just raring to go under the tree for Chris. Her dear son had to get it going, but that's OK. Now Chris can email, facebook, and read the ignorant stuff on Twitter, where they speak a different language and know a secret code that is most annoying and totally disinteresting.
Rusty decided to sacrifice himself this year and at the last moment, purchased a ton of golf clubs and a bunch of other stuff, that UPS kept delivering before the big snow. Somehow the 2 ft of snow closed schools for 3 days and the mail did not come one day at all. Nurses spent days in the hospital and the patients didn't even notice. It's all about them you know?
Rusty, Chris and boys were invited to the other Evans home for Christmas brunch. So it was decided to pick up Mom Evans on the way, who needs a wheelchair, but everyone prefers to drag her around, which we did. It took both of her sons to get her into the car to go back to the nursing home, which is a story by itself.
Chris is still doing some insane things to cause herself bodily harm. Two days before Christmas, her hellion dog, Max was caught behind the railing of the deck in 2 ft of snow. Poor thing was freezing to death, and Chris felt the need to rescue him during a Raven's game. So she went out in a pair of bedroom slippers and was so close to getting the dog, but she forgot about the window well and fell in, landing flat on her back as she worried that she may have broken something. As she lay there, Rusty came yelling and cursing like a sailor, because Chris broke his plastic $ 4.99 cover and ruined his landscaping that apparently took him 3 hrs to do in the summer. Who covers up a window well anyway?
You would think that with a wife on Coumadin, he may have worried about a terminal problem or a 10 hr trip to the hospital. But no, he just stepped over Chris and got the dog, all the while cursing and nutty as a fruit cake. For the love of Heaven, where is the love????
The well incident keeps resurfacing and has to this moment and will continue to do so throughout the year 2010.
Chris spent all of Christmas Eve preparing a dinner for the day after Christmas. By 4pm that same day, it occured to everyone that there would be no dinner prepared, so we had pizza on Christmas Eve. Now that is a good idea. Two boxes and no mess.
Now lets get to the children. The oldest son,hemi, managed to get excellent grades at Stevenson University. He has a lot to be proud of, but has a little shadow hanging over his head as the MVA is considering taking his driving privileges away. Of course, this means he will need an escort to and from college and is still dependent on his parents.
The youngest son is still not employed since having 2 degrees qualifies him to do absolutely nothing, which warranted him come back home and live. Now he and his brother have reverted back to the toddler days and are trying their best not to have a fist fight.
Hemi, still has not found the perfect woman, but I am sure she is out there somewhere. We are praying for her sudden arrival and look everyday for her.
The youngest has a steady girlfriend and they seem to get along with one another just fine. Chris, however, has to butt out of their lives, since that's what mothers are supposed to do, be seem and not heard.
Now for the mothers. Chris's mother continues to drive to the Eastern Shore despite the fact her B/P was 180/80 and she was dizzy. If you are a little shakey on knowing if there is a God or not, just sit in the car with a 83 year old woman for a 3 1/2 drive. At the moment she is without a car, but Chris is sure she will want to go get that car any day now.
Rusty's Mom is doing well in the nursing home. She has managed to gain 10 lbs after her explosive episodes of bleeding that put her in ICU last month. Chris and Rusty were able to get her to her other sons house on Christmas day, but the two boys of hers, weighing in at 225 and 250lbs, had difficulty getting her to the car. Hello men, it's wheelchair time.
Chris babysat Mom Evans while everyone else enjoyed a great game of ping pong. Of course this included potty detail and diaper checks.
They all managed to enjoy Christmas, even though Hillary, our neice showed an hour of Christmas past, where she was the star. We did see some old footage of Mom and Dad Evans and that was just delightful to see. Dad and Mom Evans were so young and they looked so happy. Chris felt like crying.
Anyway, at least Rusty did not throw up numerous times due to a food injury, like last year. Everyone liked their Christmas presents, but hemi still managed to come up with 2 gifts to return (that he himself selected).
Next year, we think we are going with the wheel chair and Chug milkshakes, two diapers intact and a fork lift for the elderly.
The good news, Christmas is over!! No more cooking and no more turkey!! No more cleaning up and no more poundage, even though Chris' mother did give her a box of cherries, which she has to have since she doesn't eat, according to Nora.
We did get out our family picture card and sent it to what few friends we have. It took 10 tries to get Rusty to smile. But that's OK, there is always next year.
Happy New Year !!!