Letting Go

How easy it is for those of us who have not suffered such a loss as my brother this past week. We have all known for a year that God was taking Lara home. What we didn't know and will not know on this side of eternity-WHY? My heart cries out to God for answers, for some hidden meaning, but I just look at my brother and his three young children and I see no answers.
But what I have seen is the out-pouring of love from a church. Meals have been coming on a regular basis for months. The house has been cleaned. The kids got hair cuts, all volunteering. There were many friends that sat with Lara that last month in her home. People were always asking, "what can I do?" The driveway was always plowed and the cars cleaned off. The whole church feft my brother's pain and this was obvious in the giving from their heart for a hurting family. Tim was their pastor and he spent many hours tending to the needs of others, this time he needed them and they were there for him. I have never seen such love in all my life.
Today due to the snow storms, we will have a family graveside ceremony. It will be a small gathering of loved ones, Lara's children, her parents, her sister and husband and of course Tim's brothers and me. Oh how I wish I could hold him and ease his pain, but I know he has to go down this road alone.
I do not understand his hurting, since I have not been there. Only those who have lost a beloved mate and best friend can begin to understand.
I 'weathered the storm' with Tim, actually 2 snow storms. I got to hold him, but there was little talking. Words were not important, it was the closeness of a sister to her brother.
As he said,"Lara is all over this house". And how true that is, it was her home that she decorated like she wanted to. Her daughter, Rebekah, looks exactly like her mom and has a similar personality. Mark is the youngest and his Dad is his best friend, they hang tight. Nathan, the oldest, is quiet like his Dad.
The snow kept all company away, the days were full of games, but then the sun went down and there was the deafening silence where even I felt the loss of one who was capable of lighting up a room by her presence. She was a devoted mother and pastor's wife.
Lara and Tim took in the homeless, the lost, and the needy. Their kids were moved out of their bedrooms to accomodate the strangers. Lara stood by Tim's request, no matter what they were, she was next to him to support and encourage. She was his best friend.
The final celebration of her life will be Sunday the 21st at Westminster HS auditorium, a place large enough to hold all the lives that she has touched, family and friends. There will be a DVD of her life and marriage. We will see the woman she truly was, some of us for the first time.
So through all this suffering, Tim has busied himself with his kids. They adore him and God was merciful to the kids by giving them such a loving father.
Now he will assume two roles as a mom is missing from their lives. Do they think of her at night when all is quiet, do they miss the strict TV rules, yes I am sure they do? They have inner pain and need our love and affection to get them through these trying times.
Next week, school will be open again, we hope , and that distraction will be good for the kids, but Tim will be in his office alone. He will have time to cry out to God and let go.
I was blessed to be with her when she took her last breath and God gave me the courage to give her the last dose of pain medicine. Her hard breathing became relaxed. We woke the children and her parents, along with my mother and we silently watched as God took Lara home to heal her there. Lara's mom sang Amazing Grace, Wally read from the Bible and oh the tears.
She is home with our Lord now, she has her long hair back, her brilliant smile, her vibrant personality, and she can talk, clearly. I look forward to seeing her that way again. This is the hope we have, that God takes us home and fixes us, rids us of disease and cancer, a place of peace.
And so Lara, we never got close as good friends, and I will always regret that, but I promise you, I will be the best Aunt your kids will ever know. I will not forget my brother's breaking heart or your lonely children. Just like I took care of your dog last year, and just like I gave you the resting medication you needed, I will rise up and take care of your children when I can. I will watch their games and we will stay close. I can't undo the years that I chose to stay away, as I was dealing with issues in my own home, but I can make it up now and I will.
When you see Dad in Heaven say "I love you" to him and that "I miss him."