A Lawn Man

Some wives who may read this, have no idea what a lawn man is, so they should stop reading now. But there are some wives who personally know a lawn man and this article is for them. I must warn you that the story you are about to read is sad.
My lawn man just had 10 days off for a spring break. He worked diligently everyday on our lawn, the same lawn that HAD 3 gorgeous evergreen trees.
I find it difficult to even talk about those trees. They were gigantic Christmas trees, fat and happy. I will admit that they owned our front yard. They were incredibly beautiful in the winter when it snowed, as the brances just glistened with icicles and white flakes. They were a breath-taking scene and I loved them. They were shade in the hot summer and totally hid the front of our house, which gave us ultimate privacy. But for some reason, my husband took a disliking to them and all but murdered each one.
It all began with one cedar tree spreading its branches over our driveway. Our cars went right under the branches with room to spare, but my lawn man considered them a hazard of some kind. The trees were rabbit and squirrel homes.
Anyway, my lawn man decided to trim the tree in the driveway and did some insane hacking on it. This proved to be a vast job and he called in the Calvary, the professional lawn men.
I saw my lawn man standing knee deep in branches while he performed his tree killing project. Why?? So he could ride his lawn mower under the tree where there was no grass. Not even weeds grew under those trees.
I came to understand a little of his intimidation of trees in general when last summer while he was mowing the back yard, a huge limb fell down from a 40 foot tree and almost hit him. I believed he called it 'a narrow escape', but I like to think of it as an omen.
But it was much more than that ! I think that trees can talk and the 3 trees in the front yard sent an SOS to the back yard trees. It was a distress call in self defense and the message went like this-he is a tree murderer. Get him before he gets us! This has to be the explanation for the near miss. What are the odds of a huge branch falling from a healthy tree.
Sadly the tree message came too late. I awakened one morning to the sound of a Chain Saw Massacre, not that I ever watched such trash ! I ask you, is there a more annoying noise than a gas-powered chain saw, even more annoying than a paper shredder? I swear he only shreds paper when I walk into the room to have a conversation.
I looked outside and there were 2 mulch trucks and chain saws all over the front lawn. There were at least 4 lawn men standing around watching the limbs fall, like construction men. Do you ever see them work? These lawn men were in a conspiracy to either commit a crime or watch one. And they did-both.
For some reason, I thought my husband had hired them to trim the long branches, not even close. They sawed off every limb on all 3 trees up to 10 feet. I looked out the window in horror at what looked like 3 dark, green mint ice cream cones. My magnificent trees were naked and I cried, after I said things that I will have to repent of.
A zillion limbs had been amputated and in their places were bare wooden holes like fresh wounds and the trees were crying white tears right down to the ground. The gorgeous trees had been mutilated, dismembered, and disfigured. I thought to myself that this is a bad dream and when I wake up, I won't be able to see my neighbor's dog poop on our lawn.
I was devastated, but the deed was done. To further annoy me, my lawn man got all kinds of comliments from our neighbor lawn men. You know how they are, sticking together, thicker than thieves.
Lawn men love nakes trees or should I say NO trees. What was there to love? Maybe my lawn man was happy that the neighbors could watch us eat in our kitchen while they are hopeful to see some table sex.
So this week was spring break and my lawn man went to work preparing the barren ground under the 3 trees for grass growth. For 6 days in a row, he raked, plowed, mashed, and arranged the dirt under the trees so he could plant grass seed in the shade that never sees the sun.
There have been spring breaks where it rained everyday, a cold rain, but not this one.The weather was so nice he even got sunburnt one day. Whats with that?
So instead of doing our income tax, he prioritized his to do list and the naked trees got all his attention. I was shocked by how he worked and was delighted that his back hurt and I was fuming that he was so happy to soon run his lawnmower under the trees. HUH??
It should be against the law to change the natural growth of any tree, unless the roots have encircled the earth and pushed their way up through your bedroom floor and are protruding arrogantly through your mattress.
One of our neighbors was so impressed that he hired the same tree people to butcher his trees. How lucky for me, now I can see his family watching TV in their living room and if I am lucky , I might see some living room sex.
My every move is observable now. That's right, the whole world can see in my house and I hate it.It's not like I have anything to hide, I just want to be able to hide something if I want to, that's all. Is that too much to ask?
But the good news is this, tree murderers will not go unpunished. They deserve whatever is coming to them and it won't be good. I just pray that I live to see it happen.