I don't recall asking for a spiritual sister but I got one just the same, Cathy Dent. God told her that I needed her, a listening ear, a prayer warrior and a person to hold me accountable for what I believed in.
I have always had the tendency to erupt before I think, I gets nuts on the phone, I lose my self-control and she saw it. One day she walked up to me and said this," Chris out, Jesus in". I took a few deep breaths and that is what happened, Chris left and Jesus came to take my place.
Have I reached my goal of a better approach, I am afraid not, but not a day goes by that I do not think of her words, "Chris out, Jesus in."
Now I can take a deep breath and remember her loving words to me. She knew that I was a work in progress, God must have told her. How else could we have been thrown together this way?
I saw her many times when Lara was sick. She rubbed Lara in lotion, she rubbed Lara' s sore legs, she loved on her in a quiet way, like God would do. One day she had to go to work, but Lara was in pain that day, the day before Lara went Home. Cathy didn't want to leave her, she didn't care about work or being late, her concern was for Lara.
Now that we have lost Lara, I feel her concern for me. She checks in on me to make sure that I am letting Jesus in. She is patient and tolerant of me when I fall short. She is forgiving and loving. She is a true spiritual sister and I am so blessed to have her in my life.
I hope she reads this and understands how God was able to use her in my hurting, angry life. My anger that Lara was being taken and my home issues. She was sent to help clean the wounds and mend the broken heart.
Cathy has a testimony that only a few know, but she knows of pain and heartache, she knows of alcohol abuse, she has been there. So God uses her life to mend the broken lives of others.
I don't know what I ever did to deserve her but I thank God for sending her to me. I am never letting her go to far away.
Chris out, Jesus in !!!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
When Peace Finally Comes
Last night the 21st of February, I was privileged to be in a memorial service which was a grand memorial for a lady that many loved and admired, my sister-in-law Lara. I didn't know what to expect that night or how my brother Tim would be able to do the service, so I was in for a huge surprise.
First the auditorium was packed, approx 1200 guests to pay our tributes. Her best friends, Christy and Marcy flew in from out of state. They gave touching accounts of how they loved Lara. Then her friends from Mt Oak came and the tears kept coming. Lastly her mom spoke and it was the most beautiful ulogogy I have ever heard, a mom giving a tribute to her 39 year old daughter.
After 14 months, Lara had fought all she could fight and then God called her home Feb 5th, 2010. She is no longer suffering and God took her home to heal her.
I admit that I struggled with the anger phase of her illness, why her? Why take her from her little children and Tim? But last night when Mark and Pat sang the closing song The Holy City, I let my anger go. God had a purpose for Lara's death. The auditorium was packed with people, many did not even attend church. So Tim's message was a mixture of preaching, remembering, and crying. But something he said stuck in my mind- "We are all dying whether we like it or not, but are we ready." Hands were raised all over the church. Lara was in Heaven rejoicing, I am sure of that.
I am sure that Tim will be united with her. I know how his heart aches for her, but seeing those raised hands meant the world to him, soul-saving is his passion as was Lara's.
So after that service last night, I finally found some peace. There was no room for anger, God had a plan and it was for someone in that service or maybe many. We may never know this side of eternity what impact her life had on others.
Now as an Aunt, I plan to spend time with Lara and Tim's kids. I want to be a part of their lives like never before. I owe her that much.
On Saturday the 20th, I got my first opportunity to be that Aunt. My son Stephen and I picked up Nathan and Mark and we went to Glen Burnie to see Wally's girls play basketball. It was a fun time and a new beginning. I was going to be a part of their lives as I always should have been.
The inner peace was slowly coming, the anger was leaving and finally I understood. God had a plan, all along there had been a plan. A time for a family to get closer together, Lara would have loved to have seen that, but maybe she did. Maybe she knows that I am going to hang out with her kids and love them like never before. It was all in a great plan followed by a peace that passes all understanding. It feels so good.
First the auditorium was packed, approx 1200 guests to pay our tributes. Her best friends, Christy and Marcy flew in from out of state. They gave touching accounts of how they loved Lara. Then her friends from Mt Oak came and the tears kept coming. Lastly her mom spoke and it was the most beautiful ulogogy I have ever heard, a mom giving a tribute to her 39 year old daughter.
After 14 months, Lara had fought all she could fight and then God called her home Feb 5th, 2010. She is no longer suffering and God took her home to heal her.
I admit that I struggled with the anger phase of her illness, why her? Why take her from her little children and Tim? But last night when Mark and Pat sang the closing song The Holy City, I let my anger go. God had a purpose for Lara's death. The auditorium was packed with people, many did not even attend church. So Tim's message was a mixture of preaching, remembering, and crying. But something he said stuck in my mind- "We are all dying whether we like it or not, but are we ready." Hands were raised all over the church. Lara was in Heaven rejoicing, I am sure of that.
I am sure that Tim will be united with her. I know how his heart aches for her, but seeing those raised hands meant the world to him, soul-saving is his passion as was Lara's.
So after that service last night, I finally found some peace. There was no room for anger, God had a plan and it was for someone in that service or maybe many. We may never know this side of eternity what impact her life had on others.
Now as an Aunt, I plan to spend time with Lara and Tim's kids. I want to be a part of their lives like never before. I owe her that much.
On Saturday the 20th, I got my first opportunity to be that Aunt. My son Stephen and I picked up Nathan and Mark and we went to Glen Burnie to see Wally's girls play basketball. It was a fun time and a new beginning. I was going to be a part of their lives as I always should have been.
The inner peace was slowly coming, the anger was leaving and finally I understood. God had a plan, all along there had been a plan. A time for a family to get closer together, Lara would have loved to have seen that, but maybe she did. Maybe she knows that I am going to hang out with her kids and love them like never before. It was all in a great plan followed by a peace that passes all understanding. It feels so good.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Walking in Paradise
February 5th, 2010, Lara left her earthy tent and went to walk in Paradise. The grave side service had to be delayed due to the massive snow. Finally Feb. 12th at 2:30 pm the service out in the snow and mud was conducted by my brother,Tim, in his grief for his loss of not only the mother of his children, but his best friend.
He spoke to his children, reminding them that "Mommy lived in a tent" like we all do and the tent eventually wastes away, but "Mommy is not in her tent now, she is in Paradise". We had to visualize that she was the beautiful woman God created, with her beautiful smile, long thick hair, and vibrant personality. We had to visualize that she was talking and walking on the streets of gold. Tim spoke on that vision of how much he wanted to go there with her or if "our Lord would come back now". I could feel the chill bumps, not from the cold but from the presence of God. This would be the beginning of all of us seeing the hand of God touch a family.
The casket was not lowered in the ground. We all went back to Tim's. The whole atmosphere changed, Neil went out for pizza and drinks, Wally's girls played with Tim's kids and we talked and laughed a lot and cried some. But this was just going to be the beginning of the celebration.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, a special day for Tim and Lara. How many couples can say that the one they love is walking in Paradise? Tim is dealing with his pain in his own quiet way and my heart is bursting to hold him and make the pain go away. But that will take time as he waits to see his sweetheart once again.
Next Sunday, we will have the celebration/memorial service for Lara in the largest auditorium in this area, in Westminster High School. 1000 people are expected, since two churches are involved and schools and colleges where Lara did signing for the deaf.
There will be a DVD of Lara's life and her marriage, along with the children and special events. There will be special music and singing as we honor her with our last farewells. The night will be special to everyone that loved Lara. Tim will be conducting the service, only God can give him the strength to say what he needs to say.
Lara was taken for a reason, that none of us will ever understand on this side of Heaven, but miracles will start to unfold, as lives are touched by not only believers but unbelievers as well.
After the ceremony, Tim plans to get the lives of his children and his home back on track. There will be no outside cleaning volunteers, or laundry people such as me and mother, no food brought in, the little family is going to band together and make the house the same home it always was. Sunflowers are all over the place in the house, as this was Lara's favorite. Lara is all over the house , in every corner, and especially in her daughter Rebekah, who looks just like her.
Life will go on and many of us will forget, but a few of us will stay around to remember Tim's pain. We will be there if he needs help, that's what families are for.
Today I went out to get a Valentine's card and a gift for my husband, something I haven't done is a very long time. When I give it to him, I will tell him that I love him, words that are long over-due.
He spoke to his children, reminding them that "Mommy lived in a tent" like we all do and the tent eventually wastes away, but "Mommy is not in her tent now, she is in Paradise". We had to visualize that she was the beautiful woman God created, with her beautiful smile, long thick hair, and vibrant personality. We had to visualize that she was talking and walking on the streets of gold. Tim spoke on that vision of how much he wanted to go there with her or if "our Lord would come back now". I could feel the chill bumps, not from the cold but from the presence of God. This would be the beginning of all of us seeing the hand of God touch a family.
The casket was not lowered in the ground. We all went back to Tim's. The whole atmosphere changed, Neil went out for pizza and drinks, Wally's girls played with Tim's kids and we talked and laughed a lot and cried some. But this was just going to be the beginning of the celebration.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, a special day for Tim and Lara. How many couples can say that the one they love is walking in Paradise? Tim is dealing with his pain in his own quiet way and my heart is bursting to hold him and make the pain go away. But that will take time as he waits to see his sweetheart once again.
Next Sunday, we will have the celebration/memorial service for Lara in the largest auditorium in this area, in Westminster High School. 1000 people are expected, since two churches are involved and schools and colleges where Lara did signing for the deaf.
There will be a DVD of Lara's life and her marriage, along with the children and special events. There will be special music and singing as we honor her with our last farewells. The night will be special to everyone that loved Lara. Tim will be conducting the service, only God can give him the strength to say what he needs to say.
Lara was taken for a reason, that none of us will ever understand on this side of Heaven, but miracles will start to unfold, as lives are touched by not only believers but unbelievers as well.
After the ceremony, Tim plans to get the lives of his children and his home back on track. There will be no outside cleaning volunteers, or laundry people such as me and mother, no food brought in, the little family is going to band together and make the house the same home it always was. Sunflowers are all over the place in the house, as this was Lara's favorite. Lara is all over the house , in every corner, and especially in her daughter Rebekah, who looks just like her.
Life will go on and many of us will forget, but a few of us will stay around to remember Tim's pain. We will be there if he needs help, that's what families are for.
Today I went out to get a Valentine's card and a gift for my husband, something I haven't done is a very long time. When I give it to him, I will tell him that I love him, words that are long over-due.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Letting Go
How easy it is for those of us who have not suffered such a loss as my brother this past week. We have all known for a year that God was taking Lara home. What we didn't know and will not know on this side of eternity-WHY? My heart cries out to God for answers, for some hidden meaning, but I just look at my brother and his three young children and I see no answers.
But what I have seen is the out-pouring of love from a church. Meals have been coming on a regular basis for months. The house has been cleaned. The kids got hair cuts, all volunteering. There were many friends that sat with Lara that last month in her home. People were always asking, "what can I do?" The driveway was always plowed and the cars cleaned off. The whole church feft my brother's pain and this was obvious in the giving from their heart for a hurting family. Tim was their pastor and he spent many hours tending to the needs of others, this time he needed them and they were there for him. I have never seen such love in all my life.
Today due to the snow storms, we will have a family graveside ceremony. It will be a small gathering of loved ones, Lara's children, her parents, her sister and husband and of course Tim's brothers and me. Oh how I wish I could hold him and ease his pain, but I know he has to go down this road alone.
I do not understand his hurting, since I have not been there. Only those who have lost a beloved mate and best friend can begin to understand.
I 'weathered the storm' with Tim, actually 2 snow storms. I got to hold him, but there was little talking. Words were not important, it was the closeness of a sister to her brother.
As he said,"Lara is all over this house". And how true that is, it was her home that she decorated like she wanted to. Her daughter, Rebekah, looks exactly like her mom and has a similar personality. Mark is the youngest and his Dad is his best friend, they hang tight. Nathan, the oldest, is quiet like his Dad.
The snow kept all company away, the days were full of games, but then the sun went down and there was the deafening silence where even I felt the loss of one who was capable of lighting up a room by her presence. She was a devoted mother and pastor's wife.
Lara and Tim took in the homeless, the lost, and the needy. Their kids were moved out of their bedrooms to accomodate the strangers. Lara stood by Tim's request, no matter what they were, she was next to him to support and encourage. She was his best friend.
The final celebration of her life will be Sunday the 21st at Westminster HS auditorium, a place large enough to hold all the lives that she has touched, family and friends. There will be a DVD of her life and marriage. We will see the woman she truly was, some of us for the first time.
So through all this suffering, Tim has busied himself with his kids. They adore him and God was merciful to the kids by giving them such a loving father.
Now he will assume two roles as a mom is missing from their lives. Do they think of her at night when all is quiet, do they miss the strict TV rules, yes I am sure they do? They have inner pain and need our love and affection to get them through these trying times.
Next week, school will be open again, we hope , and that distraction will be good for the kids, but Tim will be in his office alone. He will have time to cry out to God and let go.
I was blessed to be with her when she took her last breath and God gave me the courage to give her the last dose of pain medicine. Her hard breathing became relaxed. We woke the children and her parents, along with my mother and we silently watched as God took Lara home to heal her there. Lara's mom sang Amazing Grace, Wally read from the Bible and oh the tears.
She is home with our Lord now, she has her long hair back, her brilliant smile, her vibrant personality, and she can talk, clearly. I look forward to seeing her that way again. This is the hope we have, that God takes us home and fixes us, rids us of disease and cancer, a place of peace.
And so Lara, we never got close as good friends, and I will always regret that, but I promise you, I will be the best Aunt your kids will ever know. I will not forget my brother's breaking heart or your lonely children. Just like I took care of your dog last year, and just like I gave you the resting medication you needed, I will rise up and take care of your children when I can. I will watch their games and we will stay close. I can't undo the years that I chose to stay away, as I was dealing with issues in my own home, but I can make it up now and I will.
When you see Dad in Heaven say "I love you" to him and that "I miss him."
But what I have seen is the out-pouring of love from a church. Meals have been coming on a regular basis for months. The house has been cleaned. The kids got hair cuts, all volunteering. There were many friends that sat with Lara that last month in her home. People were always asking, "what can I do?" The driveway was always plowed and the cars cleaned off. The whole church feft my brother's pain and this was obvious in the giving from their heart for a hurting family. Tim was their pastor and he spent many hours tending to the needs of others, this time he needed them and they were there for him. I have never seen such love in all my life.
Today due to the snow storms, we will have a family graveside ceremony. It will be a small gathering of loved ones, Lara's children, her parents, her sister and husband and of course Tim's brothers and me. Oh how I wish I could hold him and ease his pain, but I know he has to go down this road alone.
I do not understand his hurting, since I have not been there. Only those who have lost a beloved mate and best friend can begin to understand.
I 'weathered the storm' with Tim, actually 2 snow storms. I got to hold him, but there was little talking. Words were not important, it was the closeness of a sister to her brother.
As he said,"Lara is all over this house". And how true that is, it was her home that she decorated like she wanted to. Her daughter, Rebekah, looks exactly like her mom and has a similar personality. Mark is the youngest and his Dad is his best friend, they hang tight. Nathan, the oldest, is quiet like his Dad.
The snow kept all company away, the days were full of games, but then the sun went down and there was the deafening silence where even I felt the loss of one who was capable of lighting up a room by her presence. She was a devoted mother and pastor's wife.
Lara and Tim took in the homeless, the lost, and the needy. Their kids were moved out of their bedrooms to accomodate the strangers. Lara stood by Tim's request, no matter what they were, she was next to him to support and encourage. She was his best friend.
The final celebration of her life will be Sunday the 21st at Westminster HS auditorium, a place large enough to hold all the lives that she has touched, family and friends. There will be a DVD of her life and marriage. We will see the woman she truly was, some of us for the first time.
So through all this suffering, Tim has busied himself with his kids. They adore him and God was merciful to the kids by giving them such a loving father.
Now he will assume two roles as a mom is missing from their lives. Do they think of her at night when all is quiet, do they miss the strict TV rules, yes I am sure they do? They have inner pain and need our love and affection to get them through these trying times.
Next week, school will be open again, we hope , and that distraction will be good for the kids, but Tim will be in his office alone. He will have time to cry out to God and let go.
I was blessed to be with her when she took her last breath and God gave me the courage to give her the last dose of pain medicine. Her hard breathing became relaxed. We woke the children and her parents, along with my mother and we silently watched as God took Lara home to heal her there. Lara's mom sang Amazing Grace, Wally read from the Bible and oh the tears.
She is home with our Lord now, she has her long hair back, her brilliant smile, her vibrant personality, and she can talk, clearly. I look forward to seeing her that way again. This is the hope we have, that God takes us home and fixes us, rids us of disease and cancer, a place of peace.
And so Lara, we never got close as good friends, and I will always regret that, but I promise you, I will be the best Aunt your kids will ever know. I will not forget my brother's breaking heart or your lonely children. Just like I took care of your dog last year, and just like I gave you the resting medication you needed, I will rise up and take care of your children when I can. I will watch their games and we will stay close. I can't undo the years that I chose to stay away, as I was dealing with issues in my own home, but I can make it up now and I will.
When you see Dad in Heaven say "I love you" to him and that "I miss him."
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