How to Tell if Your Marriage is on the Rocks

1. If you get the Hong Kong flu and lay dying in a violent, delirious fever, and your spouse's main concern if whether he catches it or not; it's a bad sign
2. If your spouse is worth more to you dead than alive and you think about that more than once in awhile; it's a bad sign.
3. If the only note you get from your spouse is when he needs a prescription picked up, even though he passes the Rite Aide twice a day; it's a bad sign.
4. If you and your spouse are in the car more than 8 hrs and you run out of things to say after 15 minutes; it's a bad sign.
5. If your pet gets more attention than you do; it's a bad sign.
6. If you are annoyed by your spouse's lack of concern while you lay dying with the Hong Kong flu and you are thinking of spitting on his toothbrush; it's a bad sign.
7. If your spouse converses with your pet more than you; it's a bad sign.
8. If you know that your spouse has sleep apnea and you don't tell him, then you may be commiting a felony and you don't deserve the life insurance money. Guilt money is dirty money and this is also a very bad sign.
9. If you are ill longer than 10 days and your spouse wants to know how much sick time you have left, it's time to go back to work. At least you can die with friends.
10. If you are ill longer than 10 days and still manage to get groceries, clean the house, and do all the laundry, then you really weren't that sick and you just wasted precious sick time.
11. If your spouse asks you how you are feeling during a football game, you might as well tell him the truth since you are dying, but don't be surprised if he doesn't react.
12. If your spouse comes home from work and has used up his 100 words for the day, you might as well call a friend and chat with her answering machine.
13. If your spouse seems absorbed in his e-mail or fixated by it,k you can only hope that "she" will appear on your doorstep. If she does, don't waste time killing her, just invite her in and enlighten her on her e-mail buddy.